[instrumental music]
[Curtis Mayfield singing "Move On Up"]
♪ Hush now child... ♪
[Kevin] I mean, I'm 30,000 feet in the air, right?
They're saying, Kevin, come on, please.
Kev, you got to put on the parachute.
Everybody's going, please, please, Kev.
At this point, they're begging me.
Tell me that the story ends
with you wearing the parachute.
Absolutely fucking not, no! No!
No, I wanted to be authentic. Right?
- It's got to be real. - Yeah.
You know what Tom Cruise calls parachutes? Diapers.
Is that because they fill up when you're falling?
No. Tom told me, he said, Kevin, they put me in a parachute,
they might as well put a diaper on me and send me to pasture.
Look, Kevin... you know,
based on the success of the first one,
we see massive franchise potential with The Jefferson's.
And you know, your agent just keeps saying that you might
be waffling on doing a sequel.
And I'm just here to ask, is it about the money?
Look, Deb, The Jefferson's is amazing, right?
We did amazing work there.
But I'll be honest, when I walk on that set,
I feel like I'm being babysat.
I mean, they give me goddamn stunt coordinators.
I have-- I have stage managers, uh, wires, green screens.
Yes, a-- and somehow, you still manage to jump out
of an airplane without a chute.
I wasn't telling the truth when I told you that,
but I forgot to say I was lying.
So let's take a pause, right?
Put a pin in that, so you understand
that wasn't the truth. I had to make that up.
I was pretending.
But you know why I got to pretend?
Because I'm not a real action star, Deb.
Kevin, you took a sitcom about a dry cleaner,
and you turned him into motherfucking Jason Bourne.
Okay? You are a real action star.
- No, not yet. - Not yet?
No. But I will be.
When you fund my next project.
Okay.
Deb, now, look, what I'm about to tell you is going
to seem crazy at first, but I promise you,
if you give it a chance, you'll get it.
- Close your eyes. - Okay.
Deb, I want you to picture yourself going up a mountain.
[glass breaking]
[guests screaming]
[Man 1] On the ground! Let's go!
[grunts]
Alright, you rich assholes!
[gunfire]
Wallets, Rolexes, jewelry!
All your fancy shit!
- What is taking so long? - Put it in the bag!
Let's go!
[whispering] Just stay calm. Stay calm.
[Man 2] Everything shiny! Let's go!
[gunfire]
Get it in the bag! Let's go!
[whispering] They're coming this way.
I don't have all day here!
[whispering] Shit, shit! Shit, shit, shit!
Trying to hide, little man?
The fuck did you just call me?
Bet you got a big wallet for such a little man.
Now, put it in the bag!
You want my wallet? Huh?
Get back. I got this.
[whispering] You got what?
- I want your gun! - Shit!
You believe this fucking clown?
[grunting]
Give me your gun!
[gasps]
Whoa.
You're just going to be the first man in history
to shoot somebody with a safety on?
- What? - Huh?
[grunting]
I don't like guns.
Oh, shit!
[groans]
- Not enough. - God damn it.
Shit.
[yells]
Nice to beef you, motherfucker.
[applause]
Hey, it's not about me. It's about you.
I'm glad everybody's safe.
It's a crazy world that we're living in.
- A lot of nut jobs out here. - Oh, Kevin!
Kevin? What just happened?
Real goddamn action!
That's what just happened.
- Okay. - Real fucking action.
That's the adrenaline that I want audiences
across the globe to feel, Deb.
This-- this was all staged?
Yeah! All of it. They're actors.
I just wanted to give you a little taste of what
our movie was about, right?
This is the movie that we're going to make.
So what I did was, I brought an outline, right?
A little rough outline to give you a little idea
about what we're going to do.
- Oh, boy. - Right?
The world of our movie lives
in improvised action.
It's spontaneous ass-whoopins. That's what this is about.
That guy spontaneously hit you with a gun.
[Kevin] You're talking about Larry?
Larry! Hey! You got me good.
- I'm gonna feel that one. - Yeah, you are.
You goddamn right. [chuckling] Fucking Larry.
You're not well. Oh, no, you're not well.
[Kevin] This is about me getting a respect
that I deserve as an action star, Deb!
[Deb chuckles]
What is it that you want me to say here?
[Kevin] What do I want you to say?
Deb, I want you to say, I'll do it!
My answer is no. Never.
This is never going to happen,
not at my studio or anyone else's. No.
[Kevin] Please? - No.
[Kevin] Can you just give it a-- - No, no, no, no.
Deb, can you just--
Can you just please give it a-- give it a read?
[Deb] Oh. - Okay? Here.
There you go. That's all-- that's all I want.
Can you just--
I'll read it.
We did it! Yeah!
[applause]
[horn honking]
Hello, Mr. Greenlight! She loved it, right?
I told you she was going to love it!
What's the budget she gave you? $300 million?
$400-- $500 million for this?
Just drive.
I am so sorry, Kevin. That's not-- that is not fair.
You are a king, and this town doesn't deserve you.
Do you hear me? You are a king!
You are my king! Praise!
Praise!
Wait a second. Is that her right there?
Is that her, the one throwing away the script?
Is that her right there? Excuse me, ma'am!
Excuse me, ma'am, in the red jacket! How are you?
Kevin Darnell Hart is a national treasure!
- A national treasure! - Just drive the car!
[Andre] We're going to drive the car!
But honestly, get your shit together!
Nice to meet you!
[Kevin] Drive the fucking car, Andre!
[instrumental music]
[upbeat music]
Today is gonna be the most amazing day of your life.
Your papers.
You say the same thing every day, Andre.
- And every day, you're wrong. - Oh, well, come on.
You're just cranky, because you haven't
had your tofu tahini smoothie.
I'll get that for you right now. Sophie! His TT!
I really hate that you call it that.
Here we go. Big gulps.
- There you go. - No.
I'm cranky, because the movie of my dreams just flamed. Okay?
Now, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.
Well, I mean, come on, man. You still have us.
That's amazing, right? You have us.
What the hell does that mean? Ooh.
Hannah, Sophie, me, your man TJ right over here!
I'm talking about your village!
I know what you need. I know what you need.
A massage.
Nina, these are all set up for the new hot stones?
I can be in about ten minutes.
She can be in about ten minutes.
Kevin, the crew are ready whenever you are.
Yeah. I'm ready.
[Andre] You got this!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There you go.
Oh, God. How you doing?
Good. Great.
Kev, now just pretend you're biking through the Swiss Alps.
We'll CG the Alps in later.
What is that?
I'm on foot, though. I need a bike, right?
We'll CG that in, too. Action!
[Kevin] You just want me to--
[Director] Just go for it.
Act like I'm riding a bike?
Exactly. [Andre] Straight arms.
Kevin, look at this. Kevin, look at this.
[Kevin] Hey, man. Not-- No!
I can't-- can't do this shit! I can't.
I-- I cannot do this shit any more! Alright?
I'm tired of the CGI and the goddamn green screens,
all this fake shit!
No, uh--
[Kevin] I want real fucking action!
Ah! [Andre] Kevin, no!
Nina? What's the ETA on those hot stones?
[yells]
[crowd screaming]
[Reporter] It appears A-list actor
Kevin Hart is back in the news again.
Star of the high-octane reboot of The Jefferson's,
Hart has spent his own money destroying a high-end Hollywood
restaurant in an attempt to woo a studio
boss into financing what he refers to
as a cinema verité-style action film.
This comes just a year after the actor famously
fired his long-time stuntman Doug Eubanks
in the middle of production, a decision
that left insiders dumbfounded.
Bring me this man.
[ominous music]
Bring me this Kevin Hart.
[Reporter] ...also known as Mr. 206.
[Kevin] Wow. This is big, man.
No, like, this is really big.
Andre, I don't think you understand!
I cast my dream out into the universe, and guess what?
Karl Stromberg comes running!
Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.
But I got to say, boss. I don't like it.
I mean, you don't even know this guy, right?
I tried to look him up, and nothing came up on Google.
Duh. It's because he's European.
They got their own Google. Everybody knows that. Alright?
Listen, the guy is loaded, got tons of money.
And if his desire is to make my movie, then so be it.
- I'm good. - I can't do it, boss.
I am so sorry. I can't do it.
My job is to look out for your best interest, and I don't--
Uh, what did you just say?
It's my job to look out for your--
It's not your job.
As a matter of fact, that's the complete opposite of your job.
You know who looks out for me, Andre? Me.
That's who looks out for me. Me!
Okay?
- You know what? Pull over. - What?
Pull over. I'm driving myself. I don't want you--
Kevin, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Kevin, you can't drive yourself. You need me!
- You need me! - I do not need you.
Correction! [chuckles] I don't need you!
I didn't need my stunt man!
I damn sure don't need an assistant
telling me how to live my life.
Pull over!
[car honking]
Don't-- don't hold the wheel in the middle!
Shut up, Andre! I said shut up!
- I know how to drive! - We know!
We all know! He knows how to drive a car!
We know! But let's say you put your hand down.
- You pop it in D. - Pop it in first!
Nope, that's reverse! Whoa! You know what?
Why don't I help you out?
I'll get in there, I'll start her up, I'll roll out,
and everybody will think it was you.
[Kevin] I don't want your help!
Good, good, good! Good!
Good! Good, good, good!
[Kevin] Yeah, smooth! Very smooth!
You're leaving! [Kevin] Yeah! Fuck off!
I'll drive all the way home!
[inhales]
[exhales]
[opera music]
So, Karl...
Karl, what is it, uh, what is that you do for a living, man?
I made my fortune mining precious metals.
[Kevin] Mm.
Now, I finance films, primarily in the Balkans,
once in North Korea.
It's probably hard to get permits over there, huh?
Permits are for cowards.
Your outline... is dangerous.
It's violent.
It's almost no narrative that makes
sense to a regular human being.
I am not the regular human being. No.
- I am Karl Stromberg. - Yeah.
[Karl] And that is why...
I will finance this film for you.
What did you just say to me?
You're telling me that you're going
to finance my goddamn movie? Huh?
[chuckles] Dude, you just made my day, man!
And I don't have to do my pitch! Because my pitch is expensive.
I ain't going to break all this glass
and stuff in here, because I know I got to pay for it.
Dude! You just--
I was in a dark place, Karl.
I was in a real dark place, man.
You just pulled me out of a dark place.
Because people underestimate you.
Yeah.
When you left comedy for the action,
they said you'd fail.
Did they?
When you fired your stuntman to do your own stunts...
they said you would fail.
You heard about that?
[Karl] Everyone heard about that.
It's only you and Tom Cruise who do your own stunts now.
That's-- that's a fact.
Two peas in a pod, man. What's going on?
What you doing?
This film, Kevin...
will put you in your own category.
Ah! One pea in one pod.
Yes, right.
That's right. One pea, one pod.
Hell, yeah.
That's what it's supposed to be, Karl.
You know what, man? I know we just met,
but I feel like I've known you for a long time,
because you get me.
I'm so sick of this...
this CG and this green screen shit!
So what'd you think of the story, Karl? About me--
No one watches movies for the story.
Yeah.
They watch it for the action.
And the nudity.
I don't really...
I don't really have any dick in my script.
But if you want some, if you feel like people want
to see dick, I can add some dick.
I can-- I'm not afraid to go full frontal.
I'll do it. Right?
If that's what the people want.
My biggest thing, though, is the action, man.
I just don't-- I don't want to see it coming.
Right? I want to be caught off guard.
- You will shit your pants! - What you talkin' about?
We will have a change of pants available at all times
for when you shit your pants.
[inhales] Because I'm scared.
[Karl] You will shit. - I-- I will shit.
[Karl] You will shit... - Yeah.
[Karl] ...your pants. - I'll shit my goddamn pants.
You will shit!
[Kevin] I want to shit! - You will shit.
[Kevin] Alright! I wanna shit!
- You wanna shit? - Yeah! I will shit!
You shit your pants!
I'm ready to shit my pants, Karl!
I want to shit my pants! Right now!
When-- when do we start so I can shit!
[Karl] We already have.
There's a camera hidden right behind you.
[ominous music]
Ohh!
[chuckles] I think I see it!
The little-- the black-- the space with the black, right?
[gunshot]
[weak groaning]
[moaning]
[cutter clinking]
[groaning]
[yelling]
[screaming]
Back up!
Get your ass back!
I don't know who you think you messing with,
but I tell you, you got...
Oh, shit!
He going to fucking eat my ass!
He going to eat my ass and set me on fire or some shit,
ain't you?
Who are you? Huh?
Where am I? Tell me-- tell me where I'm at!
Who... Wait a minute.
Do you work, you work for Karl Stromberg?
I said, do you work for Karl Stromberg?
Okay.
Okay. Okay, we in it.
This is it. We're doing it.
Okay, Karl! I like it! I like it!
Um, okay, shit.
Okay, let me see. Where-- where are we in the script?
God, my adrenaline's flowing so much.
You got me! I thought you was really trying to eat my ass!
Alright. Uh, okay, three, two, one.
[blabbers] Okay.
Rice, peas, carrots, let's go. [sniffles]
[dramatic music]
You know, I've been searching the globe for you.
You're a hard man to find, Mr. Bartholomew.
I think you got a line.
You got a line!
Uh, you say your part, and I'll react off of that.
Because what you say sets me up to now have my...
Unless you're not union. Or-- Is he union or no?
Guys? Can you not just--
Okay.
Oh, rewrite. There must have been pink pages.
Okay. Uh, let me get back in.
[clinking]
What you going to do with those?
Chop off my finger? Hmm?
Cut off my leg? My foot?
[clinking]
Newsflash, I only need one foot to kick your ass.
That is a trailer moment! Guys! I only--
[Man on speaker] Good evening.
Do not use the shears on this man.
[Kevin] Is that-- is that the producer?
Is that Karl? Karl!
[Man on speaker] He must atone for his sins.
What is that? Atone for my-- I don't know--
[Man on speaker] He must feel the pain
he has made others feel.
Yeah, I'm lost, guys. I don't know where we are.
Um, if we're going to do rewrites,
you guys got to give me the pages.
I'll stay in it. I'll stay in it. Uh...
[metallic whirring]
Okay, alright. Okay.
Why don't we-- why don't we take it easy?
Because I know why you're mad, huh?
You're mad because-- Stop right there.
Let's stop right there. No, no, no.
Let's make that your mark. Nope, stop right there.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Hey!
[Man on speaker] Count to ten.
No, fuck you! Wait!
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, man!
Hey! No, no, don't cut my dick!
Don't cut my dick! That's not-- Okay, use it.
I'mma use it! Stay in it.
[grunts]
Yeah!
Two.
[Kevin] Come on!
Come on!
[yelling]
[sighs]
Damn it!
No, not today.
Yeah!
Did we get it? Huh?
[laughs] Spin it! We got it!
Yeah! Oh!
[ominous music]
Comin' to beat your ass, Montoya.
This set's incredible. So good.
Shit!
It's Montoya's men.
[woman yells]
Jordan? The hell are you doing here?
[muffled yelling]
Son of a bitch!
Did they hurt you? Hm? Did they hurt you?
Kevin, what the hell is going on?
The uranium heist. That's what's going on.
- Wait, what? - I already handled Bartholomew.
But General Montoya, he's not going to let us off as easy.
What the hell are you talking about?
Shit!
I was walking my dog,
and someone hit me in the fucking neck
with a tranquillizer dart!
- Huh? - And I ended up here.
What are you talking about?
You didn't talk to Karl Stromberg?
Who?
Karl Stromberg about the movie?
Right now, we're in it! This is the movie!
It's a live-action movie!
We're improving all the action scenes!
No green screen, no fucking cables.
It's real, raw.
He's going to take my acting career
and my action status to the next level.
So this is all your fault?
[Kevin] Well, I mean, it's my script.
It took me I don't know how long to develop it. But Karl--
- What the hell is your problem! - Stop!
What is wrong with you?
- Shit! Ow! - Annoying!
Stop. Shit! That's sharp!
How long were you laying on that?
Damn it!
Now, why you got an attitude?
This is a simple outline! It's a layup!
Okay? I'm a triple agent.
MI-7. I'm the highest of high, right?
Like, you can't get higher than where I am.
But you-- you're my love interest.
They took you hostage because they knew that's the only way
to get to me.
So now, I'm here, and I got to get you.
- You understand what-- - You're pathetic.
And I'm pretty sure that kidnapping is a felony.
Well, I'm pretty sure that when you're an adult,
they don't call it kidnapping.
So that's-- [chuckles] That's pathetic.
Fuck you, Kevin.
What do you mean fuck me? Why are you at me?
You should be mad at Karl Stromberg! Not me!
I do not know who that is!
Shh!
[ominous music]
You don't want him to hear you.
Who? Who will hear me?
There's no one here! And do not say Karl Stromberg.
Are you saying Strum or Strom?
Is it Strum or Stromberg? Because I don't know.
[Kevin] Okay, hey, hey, hey.
There are cameras everywhere.
We're filming a movie!
Where? There are no cameras anywhere!
Will you look around? There's cameras everywhere!
Okay, listen. Listen.
All I need you to do is just grasp what's going on.
This is a big opportunity for both of us.
Okay? Just get in character.
Please?
[dramatic music]
They got this place locked down tighter than Fort Knox.
Oh, God. You wrote this dialogue?
Those motherfuckers knew I would come rescue you.
Beautiful damsel in distress like yourself.
[music stops]
Yep. Thank you for rescuing me.
Just like any woman, I wouldn't know what to do
if a man didn't show up to save me and tell me to eat
so I don't starve and breathe oxygen, so I don't suffocate.
Let's cut. Let's cut.
Can we cut?
Can you work with me?
- I'd rather not. - Please.
[Kevin] Thank you. - Okay.
[Kevin] Alright, guys, we're going to go again. Alright?
Self-action.
[dramatic music]
Do you have any idea what's on the other side of that door?
There are some dangerous men on the other side of that door.
I'm talking mercenaries, killers, ninjas,
failed karate school instructors,
people that want to do bad things to me
just because they can.
There's a bounty on my fucking head.
I'll tell you what, Esmeralda.
I'll pay that bounty.
And I will give them my head... if it meant saving your life
so that you can finish med school
and open up that clinic that you always wanted to--
Ow! Shit!
Open up that clinic that you always wanted--
Esmeralda, wait.
Esmeralda! Hey!
[ominous music]
Oh, you fucking piece of shit!
You leave her out of it, you hear me?
She's got nothing to do with this.
This is between me, you, and the 78,000 kilos of stolen uranium.
[glass breaking]
Alright. That's how you want to have it?
Let's have at it.
I'm so over this.
Kevin, next time you have a terrible movie idea,
leave me out of it, yeah?
- Ah! - Oh, shit!
[groaning]
I'm sorry, but did this central casting goon
just hit me in the face with a real fucking ass-- Cut.
No, no, no, we need to cut right now!
I don't know what weird production this is,
but I need to speak to a producer!
[yelling]
Is that all you've got?
Jordan. Let me get in there now.
Slam his ass!
[yelling]
Jordan! Let my character get some!
Tag me in!
[yelling]
[glass breaking]
Damn!
[yelling]
Hold it.
Yeah!
Whoa! We got that!
What a scene!
Good job! Here.
I think I'm the one that was supposed
to kick his ass, though.
Because I'm the lead.
So I'm quite sure that was supposed to be me.
But we'll fix it in post--
[gunfire]
Go, go, go! Go!
[panting]
[Jordan] That guy was trying to kill me!
Kevin, not acting!
Not a movie! Literally trying to kill me!
No. It's cinema verité.
I know it's a little different, but that's what it is.
Different? A little fucking different, Kevin?
- Wow, shit! - Are you okay?
Yeah, I know you're just trying to get me to apologize.
- Just give me a second. What? - Kevin.
You've been hit. With a real fucking bullet!
That's not real blood.
[Jordan] What?
- Of course it's real blood! - No. Taste it.
I'm not going to taste your blood, Kevin!
You can! You can! It's pig's blood!
It's not my blood. [chuckles]
[Jordan] Does that feel fake?
- Ow! Ow! - Shit! Shit, shit.
I gotta lay down!
Kevin!
No, no, no, no, no! Wait, look!
There's a photographer! Look. He wants your picture! See?
Go on! What the fuck!
If I had what now?
[Jordan] Just an unexpected accident
with a very small,
flying, fast, like projectile object through his shoulder.
And I just think some painkillers
would really help him.
Mm-hmm.
I know I don't have a prescription,
but I can assure you, this is an emergency.
I see.
You want to score some good drugs?
Some xannies, some ox, chuckleheads,
wet Garys, Shriek and Jimmy's, moon pie, spider pie?
Look, I'm not a drug addict!
I'm an actor! Don't you recognize me?
Um--
Okay, it doesn't matter. Alright?
My idiot friend got shot with a real bullet,
an actual fucking bullet from an actual fucking gun!
And now, he's bleeding out in your alleyway!
And if you don't help me help him,
you're going to have a body on your hands!
Would I know him from anywhere?
[sighs]
[Jordan] You're lucky it just grazed you.
Here. It's the best I could do.
- The hell is this? - It's for the pain.
Pharmacist was a real piece of work.
Well, you're a piece of work for bringing
this out here to me.
I can't drink this. This is my competitor!
You got to go back in there and ask for Grand Cormino.
Are you being serious right now?
Kevin, you've been shot! I was kidnapped!
- Grown woman acting. Okay. - You need to fix this!
- You need to fix this now! - I told you, I can't! Okay?
Even if I wanted to, I can't do it.
And by the way, it's all by design.
I gave all the rights over to Karl Stromberg,
who is a great precious metals magnate.
You do hear how that sounds, right?
You-- you hear the words?
You know, Andre was right.
Andre, your assistant?
Yes, my assistant. No, my former assistant.
He was right, though. You know what we're going to do?
We're going to pay Karl Stromberg a visit.
Yeah, that's exactly what we're going to do.
We're going to tell him he needs to get back on book.
Because right now, he's not following my guidelines at all.
And we're all over the place.
In order for this movie to be the best thing
that we know that it can be, we got to get back on pace.
Okay? We're paying him a visit.
[Kevin] Well, at least my car is still here.
Yeah, but it's the only one.
This place is dead.
Yes, because it's the weekend. That's why.
Kevin, it's Tuesday.
[Kevin] Oh.
Wait, what the fuck?
Kevin, it doesn't look like anyone's
been here for weeks.
No, that's not true.
I was just here. I was just here.
Stromberg was right there. Okay?
That was the last week, or it may have been a week before.
I don't know what week it was, because I
got knocked the fuck out. But I was here.
He was sitting at a desk, right here.
This is where he was. He was--
Hmm?
You will shit your pants!
I'm not crazy.
I knew he was here.
Would I have this if he wasn't here?
It's his rubbish.
You know what he was doing?
He was doing real weird stuff,
licking it, putting it in his nose, slobbering all on it.
I was watching him while he was doing it.
Closing his eyes.
[sniffs] All of a sudden--
[Jordan] Why did you have to drag me
into your stupid fantasy death wish movie?
What are you talking about?
All I said was think somebody like Jordan King.
Keyword, "think." It was a suggestion.
Oh, great. Thanks for the suggestion.
He probably wanted you because you're one
of the biggest stars in Sweden. What if that's the case?
I'm pretty sure Greta Thunberg
is the biggest star in Sweden.
The environmental activist?
Yeah, they have their priorities straight.
Hey, whoa.
Wait a minute. Come here. What's this?
Look.
[Jordan sighs]
Look, will you just look?
[tense music]
The hell is this?
Whoa. It's the VHS.
I haven't seen one of these in years.
Hey, it's Brian Penn from Buchwald Associates reading fo--
Um, I'm sorry, is it Stromberg or--
That's Karl Stromberg! [Man on TV] It's Stromberg.
It's him! I mean, he--
It's different hair, but it's him!
Bring me this man, this... Kevin Hart.
I-- I'm actually going to go thicker.
Kevin, it's an audition tape.
Yeah, well, obviously. I can see that.
I see that it's an audition tape.
The question is, why? Why is it an audition tape?
Oh, my god. Wait a minute, is Karl Stromberg even real?
[Jordan] What, you didn't google him before the meeting?
[Kevin] He's from Sweden.
You want me to go all the way to Sweden and google?
That's ridiculous. Stop.
[Jordan] Are you on drugs?
[phone ringing]
Quick, answer it!
Hello?
[Man on phone] Hello, Mr. Action Star.
Congratulations. You escaped.
Uh, do you know you shot me with a real bullet?
[Man on phone] Of course I know.
That bullet was meant to kill you.
Oh, that's stupid.
You kill me, and then you don't have a movie.
[Man on phone] You moron. There is no movie.
There never was.
What do you mean there's no movie?
You'd better stop talking like that.
That's blasphemy, and you know it.
There is a movie. Okay, who is this?
Are you the producer?
[Man on phone] You have forgotten who you are,
where you came from.
I didn't-- didn't anybody forget where they came from.
[Man on phone] Then what was the name
of your first elementary school teacher?
Ms. Foxen.
No, Ms. Clarkson-- Clarkson-- Clarkson.
Yeah, Ms. Clarkson.
[Man on phone] And the hospital where you were born?
What does that have to do with anything?
[Man on phone] The name.
[whispering] Go on.
Uh, Saint Falkenstein.
- That sounds wrong. - Saint Falkenstein Hospital.
What-- Hey! Enough of this shit!
Cut the shit! Who are you?
Who the fuck are you?
[Man on phone] I'm the person who's brought
an end to your life.
You are no longer cared for.
- You're worth nothing. - Uh, excuse me.
Can I ask why I've been dragged into this?
[line disconnects]
Great, Kevin! You took all the phone time with him!
[Kevin] Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse the fuck out of me for trying to figure out
what was going on with my life, trying to hear
a serial killer voice out.
I'm sorry that I inconvenienced you!
- Shh! Shh! - Goddamn it, Jordan!
Shh! Do you hear that?
[quiet beeping]
It's the VCR.
What the fuck?
[gasps] Oh, fuck, it's a bomb.
- What? - It's a fucking bomb.
Well, disarm it!
You fucking disarm it!
Oh, yeah, 'cause I know how to disarm a bomb.
Oh, I do 'cause I'm Black? That's what you think?
Every Black man know how to disarm a bomb?
That is not a thing, Kevin.
[Kevin] Oh, I bet it's not a thing.
Get your racist ass back. Move, move!
Quick, quick, quick. Come on.
Oh, my God. Open it, open it.
[grunts] Pull, pull!
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Back. Get back, get back, get back!
Shit.
[clanging]
[clanging stops]
Okay.
Well, I guess it is just a movie.
Yeah, and that was a fake bomb--
[explosion]
Whoa!
[alarm blaring]
[both coughing]
[Andre] Where's my keys?
- Oh, my god! - Oh, you're okay.
You're okay. What was that sound?
Andre? What the hell are you doing here?
- Come on, go. - What are you talking about?
- We gotta go. - I'll get the door for you.
Go now!
Kevin, that was a real fucking bomb.
A real fucking bomb!
Okay, Jordan, well, can you put yourself in my shoes?
I will not, no. No.
I do not have to do that. Do you know what?
Just shut up. Shut the fuck up.
Hey, Jordan. I'm Andre. I don't know if you remember me.
Hey, man, put your hand on the wheel.
[Andre] You got it.
I'm actually... I'm Kevin's protege.
Sorry, I'm Kevin's assistant... Former assistant. Fuck me.
Of course I remember you, Andre. So what?
Kevin kicked you out in the middle of the street, did he?
No, pish-posh. No, of course not.
Technically, it was the sidewalk and I love Skid Row.
Everybody's got a story to tell.
So many teachable moments.
Wait, you-- you didn't go home?
You just waited here this whole time?
Well, yeah. I mean, I always carry a spare key, right?
That's what I do. And I don't mind waiting.
- It was a quick 25, 30 hours. - Thirty hours?
I would wait a lifetime to make sure Kevin is okay.
Stop it. Stop it. I didn't ask you to do that.
- Don't act like I did. - I know, I know.
And I know you fired me.
Oh, right, you fired him
because he tried to warn you about the Swedish mobster that
was actually a shitty actor who was working
for someone trying to murder us.
Okay, I don't understand what's happening.
I really don't. And Jordan,
I'm just gonna throw this out there right now.
I feel like you're still mad at me.
I will never not be mad at you for the rest of my life.
I am so sorry to interrupt, but where am I going?
Because I've just been driving.
Hey, hey, we're going to my house.
- You got it. - Okay, go to my house.
No, I'm not going to your house.
- I'm going to my house. - Your house it is.
No, you're not going to your house,
because I need to know that you're safe.
Oh, right, yeah, just like Andre wanted
to make sure you were safe.
[Kevin] You know what? I know what you're doing.
I know exactly what you're doing.
You're trying to do one of those things
where you make me evaluate who I am as a person, right?
That's what you're trying to do. But guess what?
I'm not gonna do that, because who I am as a person
is who I'm okay with, and I'm settled in.
[beeping]
[Andre] It's not working. I'm gonna try one more time.
Are you sure you're punching in the right code?
Of course, man. It's your birthday,
like I'd ever forget that. It's tattooed on my inner thigh.
I rub it every morning.
- See what I'm dealing with? - Okay.
All the time, this is what it is.
It's not working. [Jordan] Wait, wait, wait.
Maybe the person who's behind all of this
changed the gate code.
[Kevin] Wait, and they think I'm dead.
So maybe this is to our advantage, right?
[Andre] Hm. [Jordan] Maybe.
Yeah, no, there's-- Oh, shit, security.
It's security, Jordan. Get in the back. Hide.
Dude, maybe we just exit now. Should I go now?
[Kevin] No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
[Andre] I should just-- I'm gonna leave.
You have to leave. Stop, stop, stop.
[Andre] Are you sure? He's huge. He doesn't like me.
[Guard] Sir-- - Hey, what's going on?
How are you, my man? Nice to meet you.
Are you aware you're trespassing on private property?
I did not. I-- I was not aware, no.
Please reverse out and have a nice day.
You got it, my man. [Kevin] No, do not reverse.
- You can't reverse. - You know what?
I'm not-- I can't--
My boss actually lives inside there.
So if I can just jump in there real quick, it'd be great.
Reverse out now, and no one has to get
pumped full of electricity.
Of course. I'm positive no one needs that.
No, do not reverse. Do not reverse.
- Do not reverse. - I'm not gonna reverse.
Do not fuck with me.
[Kevin] He's bluffing. - You're bluffing.
I assure you, I'm not bluffing.
He's fucking bluffing.
- Fuck with him. He's bluffing. - Fuck you. You're full of--
[electricity crackling]
[gibbering]
Compliments of Mr. H.
[Kevin] Well, I didn't tell him to do that.
[Jordan] Andre? [Kevin] Is he okay?
[Jordan] Andre? Andre?
[Jordan] Hey, Andre, m-- maybe one of us should just drive.
[laughing] No, you don't have to worry about that. I got it.
- I got you, my man. - Damn it.
I got a crook in my neck that's a bitch.
I-- I swear, I gotta get to Nina so she can fix this.
- Who's Nina? - Kevin's full-time masseuse.
She's my full-time masseuse.
[laughs] Of course.
Oh, okay, well, I'm glad that my life
getting destroyed amuses you.
Well, didn't you basically ask for all of this?
[mimicking Jordan] No, I didn't basically ask for all of this.
I did not do that. I asked for a movie.
There's a big difference.
A movie has cameras and sound, lights.
That's what that has in it.
This is not the same, not the same.
We need to go to the police.
[Kevin] No, no, we do not need to go to police.
Whoever this guy is, he thinks that we're dead, right?
So we use that to our advantage, okay?
We make him think th-- that we're not here.
We disappear. We just gotta figure out where to go.
Man, this is where Natasha would come in handy,
'cause she would know exactly where we should go.
- And who the hell is Natasha? - She handles--
She's Kevin's Airbnb consultant.
- This is getting ridiculous. - Oh, my God.
I know exactly where we can go
where no one would ever search for us.
Who's in?
Okay, make yourself at home.
Uh, do you guys want anything to drink?
Kombucha, coffee, tea?
Yes, yes, kombucha would be great.
I don't have it. You called my bluff.
I don't have kombucha. I'm sorry.
- No, water would be brilliant. - Water is gonna be great.
- Thank you, Andre. - Fantastic.
And you? You want some water?
I'm not putting my mouth on a cup of this house.
Nice, nice.
Jesus Christ, you actually live here?
[Andre] Yeah, my little slice of heaven.
Ugh. [Andre] What was that?
- I said, ugh. - I love it.
It's actually really charming. [Andre] Thank you.
You know, my mom and I are kind of always
messing with the motif in here.
Went through a huge Southwestern phase.
So much turquoise.
[Andre and Jordan laugh]
So your mom helped you decorate?
Oh, yeah, big-time. She's my roommate.
[Kevin scoffs]
- She's right there. - You gotta be shitting me.
No, no, no, don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid. Watch this.
You want to meet her? [Kevin] No, I don't have to.
Here we go. Mom, you're okay?
Your mouth was open real wide. [Kevin] Oh, my God.
- Oh, my. Oh, my. - Don't charge me.
Oh, my God. [Andre] Fix your bra.
It's-- it's Kevin Hart, America's treasure.
It's a family... No, you don't have to--
Oh!
And-- and Jordan King.
Or should I call you Wheezy?
[laughs] No, that's just a role
I'm not paid nearly enough to play.
Uh, "Jordan" is fine.
[laughs] Come here. I gotta squeeze ya.
Come here. Oh!
You two gotta eat. We're gonna have a feast.
Andre, go to the freezer.
We're gonna defrost the Christmas pork chop.
We're doing the Christmas pork chops?
[Andre] We've been waiting for this for, like, six years.
I don't think we have that much time.
You don't have to do that. We don't want to steal your meat.
- We have plenty of time. - You gotta save that meat.
You're eating my meat.
[Andre] Tell him, mom. Tell him!
- No, no, no, no. - You're gonna want my meat.
No, we don't want your meat.
People talk about it all the time.
- Well, we don't-- - Did you hurt yourself?
[Kevin] This is not-- - Did you know there was--
Ah, shit, woman!
Did you know there was blood there?
- Yeah-- Ow, ow! - And up here?
- Stop. - God, you are Kevin Hart.
You can't walk around with bloody clothes on.
You're too sophisticated. Take your shirt off.
- Come on, I'm gonna wash it. - That's alright.
I'm already doing a bloody load.
Come on, take it off. Come on.
[Andre] Take it off, Kevin. What are we doing?
Yeah. [Andre] Come on.
[Jordan] So nice of you. - Somebody's got a cute tummy.
[Andre laughs]
[Kevin] Come on, that's a lie. - Mom, look at him.
Remember, I was telling you about his belly button?
It's right there, mom. You got it.
Take my chance. [blows raspberry]
Oh, god. Let me just-- Please, let me get it.
Stop it, please. [Cynthia] Oh my goodness.
[Kevin] Thank you. You got-- - Oh, that's--
- You gotta be kidding me. - Well, that hit my eyes.
That is-- that is--
- That's a man right there. - Yeah, we were filming.
[Cynthia] That is good. - We're doing an improv action--
I can't believe he's in our house. I love you so much.
[Kevin] ...movie where basically all of the action...
- Such nice people. - Nice people?
- Who? - You're so mean.
How can you be mean to this guy? Look at him.
He might be the nicest, sweetest person I've ever encountered.
How could you fire him?
You want me to start at the beginning? I don't know.
Maybe because he doesn't respect boundaries.
- He cares about you. - Oh, you just stop it.
The man clipped my goddamn toenails one time...
while I was in bed... with a woman.
Exactly. Struggling, by the way, to perform.
Had a lot on my mind, a lot on my mind.
Brown gummy worm was in full effect.
- I don't want to know this. - Loose noodle.
Call it what you want. I looked down.
I see his face looking up at me. Now I got no shot.
Okay, thank you for the context.
Just giving you-- giving you a play-by-play.
But listen, when I go to set, it's me acting, right?
But to get there, I've got reps, my dialect coach, my assistant.
And then there's personal trainer,
hair stylists, makeup artists. The-- the list goes on.
And then there's family and friends who have supported me
and sacrificed for me.
I'm sorry. I got lost in what you were saying
'cause I felt it was bullshit.
You have that, too, Kevin, and then some, okay?
It's why you're a star.
No, that's not true.
I'm a star because I made myself a star with this.
Sure, yeah, that's the story you keep telling yourself,
but you had help.
Okay.
Hey, how are you guys doing?
[laughs] The pork chops are smelling
so much like shrimp right now, it's amazing.
I got you a shirt, my man.
I think it'll fit perfectly, okay?
Do you see it? [Kevin] Nice.
[Andre] Yeah, I made that myself.
Okay, thank you for that.
Ah, I wanted to ask you earlier, but I didn't get a chance to.
Who's-- who's that?
- This one? - Yeah.
That's my dad. He's been gone a long time.
- Really? - Yeah.
Same.
Hey, you know, my mom raised me.
I know.
Did your dad, uh, get a little afraid
of parenthood and run off?
It wasn't anything like that, actually.
He was amazing. He was kind.
Uh, he was gentle.
By the way, Richard Pryor's assistant.
Your dad is Rich...
I guess you could say assisting
just runs in the family, right?
Wow. That's legendary, man.
- It is, right? - That's huge.
It's huge, until it killed him.
What do you mean?
It's a big show, and crazy fan got through security.
So my dad jumped in the way of a knife
that was meant for Richard Pryor.
[Kevin] You're playing. [Andre] No.
- Cut him from the stomach-- - What?
Right up, back down.
- What? - Killed my dad on the spot.
Oh, my God, man.
I can't. I can't process that.
Neither could I. It was enormous for our whole family.
Why would somebody want to kill Richard Pryor?
Huh?
Who? [Andre] Well, yeah, why?
That's crazy, right?
Yeah. I bet, by the way--
I bet my dad, when he was dying, was looking up
and was like, Why would you do this, or something like that.
- Has to be, right? - Maybe, maybe. Maybe not.
I mean, at that point, that's not what's important.
Somebody tried to kill Richard.
Right, my dad was already dead.
The thing we gotta worry about is...
- Who is this guy? - God's gonna do--
Are there more of 'em? Yeah.
- Okay? You can't rewrite that. - No.
No, we can't. I tried to.
God, I've been to so much therapy
trying to rewrite that moment. What could I have done?
I was a child, but maybe I could have jumped in the way,
or something like that. Yeah.
On the bright side, though, if you think about it,
he died doing what he loved the most, assisting.
He was so happy that he brought joy
to someone who brought joy to so many people.
He taught me every single thing I knew.
You know, man, maybe--
Maybe I didn't mean to fire you.
I think your exact words were, I didn't need a stunt man.
I sure as hell don't need an assistant.
You said it to me. You yelled it.
And then you told me to get out of your car, right?
Oh, no, you're absolutely-- You're-- you're right.
But I'm just saying, now, looking back,
I'm saying, maybe I do--
Maybe I still do need an assistant.
Oh, God. Alright?
- I need you, too. - No--
- I need you, too. - Not the same.
- Oh, fuck. - Yeah.
I have never been this hard.
Alright, I'm gonna tell my mom.
Mom, you'll never believe it!
Congratulations.
Something else, huh?
[groans]
[Jordan] I'm proud of you. - Shut up.
You know, if you start treating everyone
in the Kevin Hart universe with that level of respect,
I think you'll be happy with your life.
You really are something else.
I mean, you paint me out to be such a monster.
Name one other person that I have disrespected, just one.
Give me one.
I can absolutely name someone.
[Kevin] Hey, Jordan. - Yeah, hi.
I just looked at the call sheet.
I didn't see your stunt double on there.
- Oh, I sent her home. - Why?
Well, I grew up on motorcycles, and it's a simple one today.
I just have to drive through the glass
of a dry-cleaning business before it explodes.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Simple for who? Who? Who's it simple for, you?
Well, that's what you have Doug for?
Do you know what this would look like if you go
do all your own stunts and I don't do mine?
Do you know what people will think of me?
Uh, they'll think you're an actor?
And listen, I'm not jumping off the cliff.
I'm not jumping out of a plane,
and I ain't fighting no alligator for anyone.
You don't think I can do my own stunts.
You don't think I'm tough enough?
That's what Doug is for, for exactly this thing.
You think I need Doug?
Absolutely.
Maybe I don't.
Maybe I don't need Doug.
I think he just heard you.
Hey, Doug.
I'm gonna go talk to Doug.
Kevin.
[Kevin] Hey, there he is, my guy.
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
[laughs] You ain't gonna believe this shit.
I'm talking to Jordan.
I just found out Jordan sent her stunt double home.
You know what she trying to do.
You know exactly what she trying to do.
She trying to show me up, and I'm not gonna have that.
I can't have that. I'm Kevin Hart, right?
[laughs]
So, here's the thing, right?
Let's get into this relationship
'cause it's one of the best that I've ever had.
How long you been with me, man?
Damn, that long, huh?
It's been a long time.
I know you gonna be fine,
and it's time for you to fly, right?
So with that being said, uh, we're done.
I-- I'm gonna go ahead and--
Is "fired" the word, I guess? I guess it is "fired."
So I'mma fire you, but in a,
but in a dope way to where we still cool.
I-- I'm gonna go on and get ready.
My guy!
- It's stunt time. - Kevin, this is a terrible--
[Kevin] It's stunt time!
[Jordan] Listen, I'm not trying to show you up.
[Kevin] Hey! Enough, Jordan.
It's all good, Mr. Action Star.
[glass breaks]
Now, you listen to me, alright?
I've been in this business for goddamn--
goddamn, how long?
How long?
You telling me that my goddamn reputation
doesn't speak for myself?
It fucking should!
When-- when does Cap Four shoot?
Does Mackie have a guy?
He does. He gets it.
Everybody's got a fucking guy, huh?
What about Adam Driver? Now, you said he's billed. Huh?
Listen, I can do work for him.
I-- I can be Adam's driver, right?
Yeah, no, listen, I'm serious about that.
I don't give a fuck. I'll drive.
I-- I'll be Adam's driver driver driver if I have to.
God damn it Scott!-- Fuck you!
[crying] I've been in the goddamn business for years.
[sniffles]
[sobbing]
[ominous music]
[Kevin on TV] You know what?
This is my me time. I really enjoy working.
I find a lot of peace, happiness,
and, uh, solace in creating.
And now my creating is about putting other people
in positions to win, um, amplifying other careers
and opportunities, not just me.
So, hopefully, it continues to grow.
[Kevin] I can't believe that my stuntman
would do this to me.
Ex-stuntman.
No, I gotta do something about this-- Oh.
Oh, whoa, whoa, Kevin.
Uh-oh. Oh, no. Let mom look at this.
Hold on. Oh.
Oh, we gotta change this dressing.
Take him to the bedroom.
- Prop him up. - Here we go.
- Get some wet towels. - Here we go.
Shouldn't he go to a hospital?
No. I'll get him back on track.
It's what I do.
Wait, you're a doctor?
[Cynthia] I'm better than a doctor.
I'm a mom.
Left, right, left, right.
[groans]
He's gonna be fine.
My mom is a miracle-worker.
How about you? Are you okay?
Uh... Well, not really. This is my problem, too.
Doug probably blames me for losing his job.
That's why he's put me in this deadly little game of his,
just for payback.
Yeah. Okay, that's fine, then.
When Kevin gets back to full health,
he will think of an incredible plan for all of us.
No, no, fuck that. We can't just sit here.
We need to do something. We need to get to the bottom of this.
Who is the person Kevin trusts the most?
- His agent. - Really?
Yeah.
Let's pay them a visit.
Right now? We can't go right now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Jordan, we can't go right now.
[Andre] But what about this? What about this?
You're famous, Jordan. You get in there,
they're gonna recognize you. That's a problem.
Second is, Doug actually thinks that you're dead, right?
- You blew up. - Shit, you're right.
Oh, my God, I just thought of something amazing.
Thank me. Thank me now.
Let me hear it first?
Smart. That's a smart move, okay?
In the back, there's a disguise.
I always keep a spare disguise for Kevin in the back.
Grab that bag real quick.
- You have spare disguises? - Yes.
I mean, sometimes Kevin likes to live anonymously, right?
Whether he wants to go grocery shopping, feed the ducks,
heckle a stranger.
[scoffs] Yeah, I'm not wearing this.
[Andre] Come on. Did you see all of them real quick?
Like this one right here, okay? This one right here--
- Andre, the road! - I'm doing it.
It's a hard left with my knees, baby.
Look at this.
[funky music]
This is so embarrassing.
We're lucky that you and Kevin are the same size,
you know what I mean?
Think about this as your greatest acting role to date.
You got this. You got this!
That's fantastic. Okay, and--
[taps]
Uh, we're here to see, ahem, Scott Hayman.
Okay.
And you are?
Ronald Mondolvia III!
A pleasure to meet you.
And this is the wickedly talented--
Bill. [clears throat] My name is Bill.
Bill Mondolvia. We're both Mondolvians.
This is my uncle on my mama's side.
Shit-fuck, can this man cook a goose.
What was all that before?
Mondolvia... That's nobody's surname.
What do you expect, okay?
I couldn't concentrate. Your accent was fucking insane.
- My accent? - Yes. "Blah, blah, blah."
Okay, it wasn't great, but I mean--
- My accent? I nailed my accent. - It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter, because there's no way
they're letting us go back to see Kevin's agent, okay?
They've probably already called security.
So if security comes,
we just pretend to be Ronald and Bill Mondolvia,
the very famous Instagram influencers
who make unboxing videos.
What is this?
We unbox it, and it's a smaller box, okay?
No, no, no. She's going to the loo.
I don't think that Bill would call it the loo.
I feel like he's more old-school.
I feel like she's about to take a shit.
[whispering] Play it cool.
Like and subscribe, please!
[whispering] Stop, stop, stop. Right there, right there.
Right there, that's Kevin's agent.
Who is he talking to?
[laughing]
How are you doing, man?
It's not Kevin.
[moaning]
[Cynthia shushes]
[water sloshing]
Try not to move.
Mr. Kevin Hart needs to regain his strength.
[Kevin moans]
As long as it takes, you'll be here in my house,
listening to my stories, eating my Christmas pork chops.
[Kevin moans]
[Cynthia shushes]
When my husband was wounded years ago, I couldn't save him,
but now I've got a second chance with you,
Kevin Hart, America's treasure.
Cynthia's treasure.
[ominous music]
[phone ringing]
[Cynthia on phone] Hello?
Mom, mom, put Kevin on.
[Cynthia on phone] I can't. He's sleeping.
[Andre] It's an emergency. Put him on right now, mom.
Come on, wake him up.
[Kevin on phone] Hello?
Are you here to rescue me? I think I've been poisoned.
Kevin, listen up very closely, okay?
We've just been on a deep-cover
reconnaissance mission, and we fucking nailed it.
[Jordan] Doug is you. You've been replaced by Doug.
[Kevin on phone] Wait, what? Replaced? I don't understand.
That's because my mommy just gave you
a very low-dose narcotic. Don't worry about it.
But when you come to, you have to understand
that Doug is trying to convince people that he's you.
He's fixed his teeth. He's changed his hair.
I mean, his mannerisms... Oh, my God, he's-- he's you.
[Kevin on phone] Yeah, well, he can't fool my staff.
They'll know it's not me.
They're my village.
[people chanting "Kevin"]
You get a raise. You get a raise.
That's right, everybody gets a raise, huh?
You know why? 'Cause I'm Kevin.
I'm Kevin!
Sorry, Kevin is suddenly very tired.
He needs his rest. [Jordan] No, no, no, no.
[Andre on phone] Mom, no-- [Cynthia] Bye.
[Kevin moans]
[Cynthia shushes]
If Kevin wants to get through to Doug,
there's only one man he can talk to, Mr. 206.
I don't-- Who's-- who's Mr. 206?
[Jordan] He's a pretty famous stuntman,
and he's Doug's mentor.
Okay. Okay, fine, then this is easy.
We just take Kevin to see Mr. 206.
[Jordan] We? Nope, no way.
I will not be going to see 206.
He is a complete psychopath.
He nearly killed me in a stunt rehearsal
and then tried to make me apologize.
Jordan, Jordan, Kevin needs you right now.
[Jordan] He needs me? - He does, right now.
[Jordan] Oh, I thought Kevin doesn't need anyone,
until he needs everyone.
Okay, fine, then I'll take him to see Mr. 206.
Why? This is Kevin's problem.
You should just let him go on his own.
No. As long as I'm Kevin's assistant...
[revs engine]
he'll never drive himself anywhere.
- It's in neutral. - I am so sorry.
We're slowing down. I was trying to go faster.
We did the opposite.
[birds chirping]
I am so happy my mom was able to nurse you back to health.
What did you just say to me?
The woman put drugs in my goddamn pork chop.
- She tried to poison me. - She's amazing, right?
Look at you now. Okay, come on, come on.
So tell me, why do they call him 206?
'Cause there's 206 bones in the human body.
They say, before he became a mentor in the stunt game,
that he broke every single one of 'em.
Actually, no, it was 205.
But then, on his last day of filming,
they say he broke the 206th one.
What? Which one was that?
Pinky toe, right foot, snapped.
Goddamn.
[knocking]
[creaking]
[Kevin] Uh, hello?
Uh, 206?
Hey, M-- Mr. Two Hundred And Six?
- It's 2-0-6. - Right.
[Mr. 206] Sign says no soliciting. Go away.
Yeah, no, we-- we didn't see a sign. There's no sign.
[Mr. 206] Who took my fucking sign?
We didn't take it.
Hey, either way, we're not here to solicit.
We-- we're not selling anything.
You don't even recognize my voice. [laughs]
You know who's at the door right now?
This is Kevin Hart, comedian, actor.
I just told you... to go--
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
The fuck away!
Hey! Shit!
Come on, baby, it's me.
- It's me. - It's Kevin Hart.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't
kill the both of you right now.
Kevin's about to have a movie that's gonna get him an Oscar.
[Kevin] Well, okay. Wait, wait, wait. Your protege.
We're here because of your protege, Doug Eubanks.
What about him?
Well, we-- we're here 'cause he's losing his shit.
Yeah, no, he's absolute--
That's not true, 'cause you don't deserve a lie.
I'm not here to lie to you.
I'm gonna be honest with you, man.
I screwed him over.
I screwed him over, and I'm here because
I want to make things right, and I can't do that
without you, Mr. 206.
Well, how do you like your tea?
Huh?
[mystical music]
Do I make you uncomfortable?
No. I-- I'm just so nervous for you, sir,
because you got really hot tea, and it's just
right above your balls, so--
What are you doing? What are you--
[pours tea]
[Andre] Oh, my God, what the fuck?
[Kevin] Oh, man, come on. - What the fuck?
Come, on man.
The ancient Babylonians believed
that undergarments were a sign of weakness.
I tend to agree.
I respect that.
I just...
[clears throat]
I just want to, I wanna thank you
for taking the time, 'cause I know you didn't--
Cut the compliments. Tell me why you're here.
I, um, I know you're Doug's mentor, right?
If there's anyone who knows how he operates,
how he thinks, it's...
I need your help.
Watch your eye. Watch your eye.
Let's walk.
Doug Eubanks is more than just a former student of mine.
He's my friend, my confidant.
Briefly, in 2003, he was my lover.
Doug is the most fearless stunt performer
that I've ever trained.
One time, he asked me to stab him with an ice pick
'cause he needed to know how it felt so he could
replicate that reaction when the cameras are rolling.
- Did you do it? - With pleasure.
As a stuntman, you embrace pain,
lay your life on the line for your actor
every day you step on set.
And occasionally, an actor says thanks.
Sometimes they don't say thanks.
Sometimes they just fire you without warning 'cause
all of a sudden they think they're John fucking Rambo,
but they're nothing but a little bitch with a giant ego.
Yeah, yeah. So, hey, are you gonna talk to him for me?
[laughs]
Actors talk.
Stuntmen... stunt.
You're gonna have to fight Doug, and you're gonna lose.
Well, shit, then why are you--
Why are you even talking to me, then?
Only reason I'm talking to you
is 'cause every person is trapped
in a story of their own design, and I know the exact story
you're trapped in.
Yeah, it's a revenge story.
It's not revenge.
It's redemption.
No, I'm pretty sure it's revenge.
What do you really want?
I want my life back. I want to defeat Doug.
Defeat Doug? Doug's the enemy.
Doug's the bad guy? You're the good guy?
I just want to make sure I'm hearing this right.
Okay, maybe we're both bad guys.
No, Kevin.
You're both good guys.
Did you hear that?
Yeah, I'm trying to figure it out.
He fucked Doug.
I didn't hear that. What?
He fucked Doug.
I didn't catch that. I was--
Right at the top, he said it. Right over there, he said--
No. I saw a ladybug. I gotta--
So that means he's kind of fucked you before.
[Kevin] No, no. Wait a minute, no, he hasn't.
This is my dojo.
Well, it kind of looks like a bunch of trees
if you ask me, but alright.
- Goodness gracious. - Excuse me.
- Sorry. - Coming through.
- Yep. Yep. Sorry. - Coming through.
You've really gotta share the trail, guys.
- It's our fault. - Sorry.
We didn't even know it was a trail, to be honest.
I had no idea.
So this is where you're gonna train me to face Doug, huh?
Let me explain something to you.
Stuntman's Creed, be thy actor.
Every role you ever trained for, Doug trained harder.
Every martial art you supposedly learn,
Doug learned it for real.
He had to, 'cause when the cameras were rolling,
it was his ass on the line, not yours, sitting
in video village, sipping lattes,
eating sushi off of nude models.
Hey. First of all, I got a bad case of pinkeye.
I learned my lesson.
Hasn't happened since.
You never appreciated Doug.
Actors never do.
Anyway, I recently learned that
there's a lot of people that I may have underappreciated.
[Mr. 206] Good, Kevin.
That's growth.
- See that branch up there? - Yeah.
Climb that tree, crawl out to that branch,
and give me a dead drop to the ground.
[mystical music]
Uh, how am I supposed to--
You want to know how Doug thinks?
You want to know how he operates?
You must see the world as he sees it,
without fear, without hesitation.
I'm a little scared, though.
I'm just gonna throw that out there.
- It's not like I'm-- - I volunteer as tribute.
Damn right you do.
This is Kevin's journey. That's his dead-drop branch.
No, that's what you don't understand.
You know why? Because what's Kevin's is mine.
- Well-- - Well, right.
I mean, not your material wealth.
- Of course, or your income. - No.
- Or your success. - No.
Or your rare collection of cars, which are amazing.
- No. - Right, none of that.
But his pain, his anguish--
Basically, anything that's bad, anything that's bad--
that's mine, too. That is my journey.
- What? - Brother.
Oh my gosh.
[coughing]
What's happening, guys?
Guys, this don't look good from the back.
What's going on?
[grunting]
[screaming]
Kevin, you can't compete with Doug...
but you clearly have the one thing he will never have.
You have a sidekick.
Andre? No, Andre is my--
Andre's like my-- What would you call it?
[indistinct chatter]
No, no, no. No, no.
- I'm his-- - Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no.
Andre's your what? I want you to say it.
Well, he was gonna say it, too.
No, no, he's right there. Andre's your what?
You don't have to do this, man.
He's your what?
Well, he's my assistant, my assistant.
[gibbers] He's your--
- He's-- - Say it.
Andre's my-- He's my sidekick.
- Say it. - He's-- Andre's my sidekick.
[Mr. 206] Say it. [Kevin] He's my sidekick.
[Mr. 206] Yeah, I need you to say it.
Okay. Andre-- Andre is my sidekick.
God damn it, Kevin, I need you to
fucking say it!
And I need you to believe it
deep down in your fucking bones.
Andre-- Andre is my sidekick!
- Huh? - I said, Andre is my sidekick!
Who's your sidekick?
I said, Andre is my sidekick!
[Andre] I'm your sidekick! - Andre is my si--
I'm your sidekick!
What's happening to me, man?
[Mr. 206] It's growth, Kevin.
Growth hurts.
That's a pain that no double can take for you.
You see, Kevin, you came here seeking a mentor, but it's you.
You are the mentor.
Hell yeah.
[Mr. 206] You know what? You know what?
You two... take this moment, talk.
Talk over your new bond.
I'm gonna go get my tea.
[Andre] What a fucking day.
[laughs] I mean, now that I'm essentially,
I've been deputized as your sidekick,
I have an idea for Doug. We could work together on this.
We gotta get close to him, okay?
We don't have to record him or anything like...
What's wrong? What's wrong?
[ominous music]
That scar on his hand.
Yeah?
I think I recognize that scar.
[door opens]
[engine turns over]
[engine roars]
[upbeat music]
[phone ringing]
[Guard on intercom] We don't have any scheduled deliveries.
Please turn around.
Hey, pal, I got a hot date
with my old lady in 30 minutes, meatball sub night,
and all’s I knows is I got a package
from Debra Simon at the studio.
Now, I can either leave it here, or I can take it home,
but you gotta tell me what you want me to do.
[Guard on intercom] Go ahead.
That's what I thought. I'll see you in a bit. Up, up!
Okay.
Hey, Ronald Mondolvia, Mondolvia Plumbing, license and bonded.
You know, some guys are licensed, not bonded.
Other guys, they're bonded, not licensed.
Me, I'm both licensed and bonded.
Debra Simon sent a plumber?
Not a plumber, my man. The plumber.
I can plumb anything with pipes. Fuck it.
Sometimes I don't even need pipes.
One time I plumbed a manila envelope.
Water was spouting fucking everywhere.
- It was insane. - So what's in the van?
Oh, my God.
Hold on to your fucking beautiful, beautiful balls
because this, my man--
[knocks]
It's a commode.
Imported Italian marble, beautiful one-piece
construction, 12-speed bidet.
We got a little air fryer on the right.
You want to cook, eat, circle of life, shitting,
eating at the same time, there's only a couple
of these in the entire world.
This, my friend, probably one of the best
presents in the universe.
So can you, you know, eh?
[vocalizes]
You gonna help me fucking bring it in, or no?
Alright, fuck it, whatever. [Andre] Yeah, okay.
I'll supervise. Pick it up.
Use your back.
Whoa, big boy. Big boy coming through.
Big boy.
Okay, Andre has the guard's attention.
Okay.
You sure you're ready for this?
In our family, if an A-list actor is in trouble,
we don't stand quietly by.
We fight, and if we must, we die.
Wow, well, the world could use more people like...
Wait, what is your last name?
Oh, Mondolvia.
Where the hell does this thing go?
Oh, that is the million-dollar question, huh?
Let me think about this.
Well, you could powder-room it, show it off like a prize pony,
or you put it in the main bath.
Keep all that for yourself, hmm?
Now, there's a third option, alright?
Listen up closely 'cause this one's fucking insane.
You can put the commode right here,
smack dab in the middle of the living room,
and you take a big, greasy shit right here,
look everybody right in the eyes,
make them wonder what your deal is.
And I know what you're thinking, holy shit,
that's aggressive, right?
But they'll respect the shit out of you.
Wait a minute, don't I know you?
Don't you know? Don't you know?
[yells] Yeah, boop, boop, boop, boop.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, you know what it is?
Isn't this the place you took a shit
so big up there that people thought there
was a dog loose in the pipes?
How the hell am I gonna take a shit--
Man, what are you talking about? No.
- Wasn't that you? - No.
- No? - A dog in the pipes?
[Andre] Maybe it was a dachshund.
Looked like a dachshund, your big--
[fireworks exploding]
- Oh, no, is that the dog? - Wait right here.
I'll deal with you in a minute.
Yeah, I'm gonna wait right here in New York City,
you know what I mean?
Kevin? Kevin, are you okay, baby?
Everything went incredible up here.
You alright? [Kevin] Yeah, I'm alright.
Sweating my goddamn ass off, though.
Jesus Christ, how you ain't cut no holes in here?
Let's get you out of here and kick some fucking ass.
What do you say, huh? [Kevin] Alright, come on.
- Let's go. - Yes!
[fireworks whistling]
- What are you doing? - Funny story.
You're gonna lose your goddamn mind.
I drilled this puppy a little bit too hard.
I can't get it out without the aid of some tools.
So give me a second. I'm gonna grab some tools.
I'll be right back. Okay, talk soon.
Hey, Andre, you better stop playing.
Seriously, man. Andre?
[knocks] Andre?
[fireworks whistling]
Hey, were those fireworks?
I live next door, at the Mondolvia estate.
Did you set those off? You know that that is illegal.
They're not ours. I don't know who set these off.
Well, it scared the bejesus out of me,
and I have a pacemaker.
What do you have to say for yourself?
Look, lady, I told you, they're not my fireworks,
and I didn't shit in any pipes!
What?
[electricity crackling]
That's for Andre.
[Kevin knocks]
[Kevin] Andre?
[knocks]
Andre? Come on, man, I'm serious.
There you go. What took you so long?
Where you go? Leaving me in this box
with all that goddamn quiet. Don't do that.
[chainsaw starts]
The fuck is that?
Hey.
[chainsaw revs]
Andre, that's a chainsaw? Okay, hold on.
Wait, wait, wait.
[shouting indiscernibly]
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Slow it down. Slow it down. Slow it down!
You're gonna cut my fucking head!
You're gonna cut my head!
No more chainsaw. No more chainsaw!
No more chainsaw, okay?
Jesus Christ.
Shit. What the fuck, Andre?
Oh, shit. Oh, oh, oh, shit.
On behalf of stunt actors everywhere,
I'm excited to say, this is your day of reckoning!
[laughs maniacally]
Hold up!
Trying to tell me a big old stunt legend like yourself
need a chainsaw?
Huh?
That's what the fuck I'm talking about. Two men.
How about two dogs in a bowl? I want to eat.
[barking]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, you got a knife.
Big old man like yourself, stunt legend,
you need a knife for little old me?
That's what you need?
Fuck it.
I'll kill you with my hands. [Kevin] What?
[hyperventilating]
Yeah, you know this ain't go too good for you
in that little, shitty hallway.
Man, Jordan whooped your ass.
Mask I was wearing was 100 percent polyester, unbreathable.
Sweating into my contacts.
Hell, a child could have kicked my ass.
Oh, that's a real elaborate excuse,
don't you think? Superman punch!
Oh, shit!
Ah, shit.
[bones crack]
Shit. Andre!
Andre, do the sidekick stuff!
I made all that shit up about your sidekick.
You think I'd help you?
You think I'd put a greedy, unappreciative,
overrated actor over a stuntman?
[laughs] I just thought it'd be fun to give you
some false hope before you died.
[screams] Shit! Yo, you gonna break my arm!
Yeah, and every other one of the 206 bones
in your body, and then I'm gonna eat your ass.
I knew it. I knew you were a ass-eater.
[Kevin cries]
[grunting]
Oh, hey. [Kevin] I'll stab you.
Cute knife. What are you gonna do with that?
You gonna hurt me with that? Huh, huh?
No, but she is.
Oh, shit.
Oh, you got him.
It's... Okay.
Um, holy shit.
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey, look at me. Look at me.
Eyes. You good.
Thirsty.
- You what? - Th-- thirsty.
Well, get you something to drink.
You fucking threw a knife in his head.
I didn't know what else to do. I meant for his shoulder.
How did you mean for his shoulder?
Fucking size of the fireplace.
That's him.
He's awake. It's a good sign.
It's a good thing. Look, he's fine. He's fine.
[Kevin] What are you talking, he's fine?
[Jordan] I mean, he's...
He's a fucking zombie. What do you mean, he's fine?
[Cynthia] Oh, god, he's gonna burn himself.
He's gonna get a burn on his hand or something.
It's not really the worst thing
that could happen to him at this point.
[Jordan] That's true. - Oh.
Hey! There he is.
How you doing, man?
Jesus Christ.
- He's okay. - He's just taking a nap.
He's not dead. He's fine.
- He's okay? - Yeah.
Wait, where's Andre?
Where's my sweet boy?
[Doug] Don't you worry, 'cause I found him.
[Andre] Alright, I'm sorry.
I made an oopsie-daisy. I got captured.
I thought I heard your voice, but it wasn't your voice.
It was his voice. I'm the worst sidekick in the world.
- Hey, shut up. - I'm gonna shut up.
- Shut up. - I'm gonna shut up.
You hurt one hair on my son's head,
I swear to God, motherfucker,
I will split you from chin to balls.
- Who the fuck are you? - That's my mom.
I love you, mom. If I die, I love you in heaven.
What the hell is your mother doing here, boy?
I'm here for moral support, and I love him.
[Andre] I love you, mom.
But I will fuck you up!
- Try me! - Mom--
I love you.
How come y'all don't have no guns?
'Cause we're not here to kill anybody, Doug.
Oh. Oh, is that right?
Then where's Mr. 206 at?
He's... making breakfast.
[crying] This is a fucking joke to you.
It's a fucking joke to you.
[crying]
Shut your ass up. Fuck you crying for?
- 'Cause I can feel your-- - That man was my mentor.
He was my muse, my rock.
And in 2003, for a brief period
where I was confused about my sexuality, he was my lover.
- Okay. - Sounds like a very special--
Shut your ass up. Don't--
[Kevin] Hey, hey, hey, listen to me.
Doug, we are sorry for your loss, man.
- So sorry. - We're sorry.
Oh. Oh, you're sorry, huh? Hmm?
See, y'all are a bunch of brainiacs.
I thought I had all you dead
in that goddamn business offices, I did.
[Kevin] Alright, Doug.
Doug, listen to me. Don't you hurt him, man.
You hear me? Don't hurt him.
[Doug] Oh, 'cause you care all of a sudden, hm?
All of a sudden, you got a fucking heart, Tin Man?
You don't care about nothing.
This man ain't nothing but an employee of yours,
which means he's disposable. Ain't that right? Hmm?
[Kevin] That's not true.
The man is the complete opposite of that.
- Andre is 34 years old. - 35.
He's left-handed.
Right-handed.
Afraid of scorpions.
[Andre] I love scorpions.
He won a sixth-grade spelling bee.
I got fourth place.
He memorized every single line of House Party,
both Kid's and Play's.
- You did that. - I did do that.
That is me.
Andre is the one man that I cannot live without.
[Andre] I'm with you, ride or die,
although I was hoping for a little bit
more ride and a little less die.
I think I'm gonna die, like, really soon.
- Enough, enough. - I'm gonna shut up.
Doug, now stop it.
You don't even want him, man.
You want me. I'm the one who messed up.
I'm the one that threw you out like Tuesday's trash
and left you on the side of the goddamn curb
without the blink of an eye. I did that.
You want me, not him, so let him go.
Let him go and take me.
That's what you want? You want me to let him go?
Hmm? Say it. Say it again.
I want you to let him go.
- Mama, how about you? - Please let him go.
[Doug] Let him go, huh? [Andre] Will you let me go?
You want me to let you go?
Please, Doug. That'd be so nice.
Everybody telling me to let you go.
I should just let you go. Hey, mama, I'm gonna let him go.
- Thank you. - Make sure you watch, hmm?
- You watching? - Thank you.
- Now get your ass-- - Ah!
[Kevin] Oh, shit! - Oh, no.
Oh, my, he let go. He literally let go.
- Yeah, I let him go good. - Doug, this ends now.
[Doug] Oh, well, that's okay with me, Little Boots.
[gunfire]
You want to do it the hard way?
Then let's do it the hard way, motherfucker.
I got your ass.
[whimpering] Honey, oh...
My baby's alive!
[Kevin] He's alive. [Cynthia] He's alive.
I'm okay. I'm fine, I'm fine.
The table actually broke my fall. Did you see me?
That was the dead drop I never got to do in the woods.
That was my tribute to you, Kevin.
Hey, come on. Let's get you up.
[groans]
[Jordan] Take it easy.
Okay, we gotta get him-- Oh, my God.
What happened? What's going on?
[Cynthia] Nothing.
[Jordan] A tiny, tiny bit of the table just--
Where is it? What part of it?
[clamoring]
[Kevin] Don't touch it.
- Listen, listen. - Why, why, why?
Don't touch it. It's nothing. It's nothing crazy.
It's a little splinter. It's fine.
Get the tweezers. Let's get it out.
Why are you holding me back?
- Get it out! - Stop fiddling with it.
[Kevin] Yeah, stop for us. [Cynthia] Come on.
Let's go get him to a hospital.
It feels like something's in my kidney, right?
- When I walk, at least. - Come on.
[Andre moaning]
Okay. Jesus.
[dramatic music]
What the hell is that?
Oh, I installed customizable lights in here,
but you never had time to learn how to use 'em.
[Doug] All them years I was your stuntman, Kevin.
Get him to the hospital, mom.
- Jordan, come with me. - Okay, be careful.
Come on, honey. Help me out.
[Doug] See, Kevin, it wasn't
just taking falls and getting kicked in the face
and getting set on fire. Uh-uh.
That's not all I was doing to make you look good.
You remember Justice Squad Part Two?
You decided to gain 30 pounds for the part.
That meant that I had to gain 30 pounds, too, Kevin.
I'm a freaking diabetic, you selfish fuck.
- I almost put myself in a coma. - Okay, hey.
Hey, Doug, easy, alright?
I'm sorry, man. I made a mistake.
Shut your ass up. [Andre] Mom, no.
Mom, no. Mom, no. Mom, I can't leave.
No, I'm not gonna let you die.
- I'm not losing another. - Mom, mom, listen, okay?
Look at me.
I-- I know you wish you could have saved dad.
[sobs] Yeah.
I know, I know, but this is different.
I'm not just Kevin's assistant.
I'm his sidekick, and you want to know
the first rule of sidekick?
- Do no harm? - No.
That's doctor's, mom.
The first rule of sidekick is there is no sidekick.
That's "Fight Club," mom.
You know that. Brad Pitt's in that.
Ed Norton's in that, Mom!
Just tell me, then.
[Kevin] Okay, listen to me, and listen good, man.
Back when I was a sidekick, I was always jealous
of the lead actor and all the glory they got.
And I told myself, Doug,
I said, when I become a lead actor,
I'm gonna get that same glory. I want it.
I want to taste that. And I did.
But when I tasted it, I handled it wrong.
I was selfish. I was stupid, man.
And now I realize how much I need my village.
And, Doug, you're a part of that village, okay?
I need you. I fucking need you, man.
Give me a chance to make it up to you.
Give me a chance to prove to you that this is what I want,
that-- that I want you, I need you.
How about I give you the chance
to suck my dick, hmm?
I'm living the life, boy.
I'm in your goddamn mansion.
Hmm? I live here.
I got your career.
Your agents love me.
Them boys love me good, got me a part in a movie and everything.
I'm about to be Chucky in the new Child's Play.
- You took that shit? - Step back.
Get back before I goddamn skin your fucking lip.
And I signed up for a new Woody Allen movie.
Can't wait to see the press around that.
[laughs wheezily]
No, no, no, no. Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, wake up. Wake up. Come on.
[cries out] What? What's happening?
I think what you were
about to do was to try to convince me that even though
you've been impaled by a large piece of
restoration hardware, you want to go back in there
and fight some lunatic
who is physically superior to you in every possible way
because you're not just his sidekick.
You're his best friend.
You're goddamn right I am.
So why go through all this trouble?
The Swedish actor, the torture chamber.
You think it's easy stealing a man's identity, hmm?
You think it's as easy as stealing his face?
Well, it's not, Little Pretty.
It's much harder than that.
Had to get his goddamn fingerprints first.
After that, I had to take all your goddamn passwords.
Once I got that, I said, we get your voice ID.
All the other secrets that you hold, I got it.
I got it good.
So now you have everything you need to be Kevin.
You even removed your mole, you sick son of a bitch.
[Doug] Yeah, I did.
You know why?
'Cause I'm Kevin Hart. I'm Kevin Hart.
I got all the money in the world.
I got the best dermatologist in the world
'cause I'm Kevin Hart. [laughs]
Dr. Sanchez would never touch
that rough-ass skin of yours.
But she did, motherfucker. She did!
[Kevin] Ah, shit!
[all grunting]
No, boy.
Smack your ass. No, no!
- Ah, ah. Hold on. - What?
Superman punch!
No, not today.
Oh.
[groans]
[Doug] I told you. - Ah, you stupid little bitch.
Wasn't done with you, hmm?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
See, I got your body.
Doug, you ain't got to do this, man.
- Give me a chance. - But now--
Doug, no!
Now I want your soul.
Don't take my soul.
I'm gonna get your fucking soul.
What's happened to me? What the fuck you just do to me?
Oh, shit.
Just stab me in my goddamn scapula, boy?
- Hey! - Huh?
That's a wrap on Doug.
Oh, got me good.
Motherfucker!
[gasps]
Hold on, Andre, is that the piece of wood
that was lodged in your side?
Sidekick for life.
No, Andre, that was supposed to stay in to stop the bleeding.
[Cynthia] I told him it was a dumb idea,
but does he listen to his mom?
I'd do anything for you, man.
Hey, hey, look at me.
You're the best damn sidekick I ever seen.
Alright, guys, call the cops.
Stay with Doug until they get here, okay?
I've gotta get you to the hospital.
This time, I'm driving.
You know, actually, I will drive. I'm gonna drive.
I saw the way you drove last time,
so I think I'll take it from here.
- Why don't we just-- - We'll figure it out.
We'll figure it out.
Yeah, but I'll use my feet and hands,
and you can sit on my lap or some shit.
He's in shock. I got you, buddy.
Keep an eye on Doug.
I got you, buddy.
[Kevin] I mean, I was foolish.
I let my ego run the show, and I'm honestly,
I'm lucky to be alive. We both are.
Why is he here with us again?
[chuckles] 'Cause he's a vital part of my team.
Ah, okay.
[Jordan] Hi, hi, hi. Sorry.
- Sorry I'm late. - And so is she.
And so are they.
[cheering]
Alright. Who is the older lady?
Are you talking about that gorgeous woman
in the back? That's my mama.
Mama, how's the food?
Oh, it's so confusing.
[Andre] Yeah. [Cynthia] I love it, though.
[Kevin] I'm not really sure what her role is yet.
We're still trying to iron out the kinks.
But what I do know is it takes a village
to operate the world of Kevin Hart,
and she's a villager.
[whispering] What's a villager?
Wow, Kevin, I gotta say,
you certainly have changed.
[Kevin] No, I just learned to appreciate the people
that matter the most in my life.
♪ Lovely day lovely day lovely day... ♪
Well, does that mean that you're in for Jefferson's 2?
Yeah. Just gotta check with my stuntman first.
♪ Lovely day lovely day... ♪
Isn't he in prison now?
♪ Lovely day lovely day... ♪
[scoffs] He is.
Yeah, I don't know. It slipped my mind.
Ah, I forgot.
[laughs]
[Jordan] Forgot?
[chuckles nervously]
[tense music]
Hey. Hey, guard.
Guard! Hey, let me out of here.
I'm telling you, you got the wrong guy.
[Prisoner] Shut the fuck up! - I'm Kevin Hart.
I'm Kevin Hart!
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
凱文哈特 三月十八、十九日好萊塢露天劇場
格蘭科拉米諾龍舌蘭酒
《傑佛森一家》
我在九千多公尺高空
他們拜託我,求我穿降落傘
大家都在幫腔,他們求我穿
告訴我最後你有穿降落傘
當然沒有,我要來眞的
–要逼眞才行 –對
知道湯姆克魯斯叫降落傘什麼?尿布
–跳下來裡面都是屎尿嗎? –不是
湯姆說叫我穿降落傘
乾脆給我包尿布,送我去養老算了
凱文
第一部片大獲成功
《傑佛森一家》很可以做成系列電影
你的經紀人說你還沒決定要拍續集
–我想了解是錢的問題嗎? –黛姊
《傑佛森一家》很好看
我們合作愉快,但說實話
走到那個片場感覺被保護得太好
還給我動作指導
還有舞臺監督
弔鋼絲、用綠幕
你還是有辦法
不穿降落傘跳機
我沒跟妳說實話
忘了說是騙妳的
不要那麼急
以後再說,妳知道是假的就好
我不得已才亂掰,都是裝的
知道我幹麼要裝嗎? 黛姊,我不是正港的動作明星
凱文,你把情境喜劇的乾洗店老闆
變成超厲害的傑森包恩
–你是眞材實料的動作明星 –還不是
–還不是? –對
我會是的,等妳投資我下一部片
好的
黛姊,下面這段話乍聽起來好像很扯
我向妳保證,衹要去做就有機會
–閉上眼睛 –好
黛姊,想像自己徒步上山
給我趴在地上,快點
渾身銅臭的傢伙
皮夾、勞力士、珠寶
所有高檔貨,怎麼這麼慢?
都給我交出來,快點
不要慌
値錢的東西,快交出來
快放進來
走過來了
我沒時間跟你耗
完了
小矮子,想躲啊?
你剛叫我什麼?
這麼矮的男人,皮夾肯定很大
放進來
要我的皮夾?
–後退,我來 –你來什麼?
–槍給我,靠 –妳信這個蠢貨
頭過來
沒看過有人保險沒開就要開槍
什麼?
我討厭槍
糟了
–不要開槍 –爛貨
牛肉送你吃,混蛋
我沒什麼,你們沒事就好
好在大家都平安
外面的世界很亂,有很多瘋子
凱文
凱文?
剛是怎麼回事?
正港的動作
–就是這樣 –好
臨場感十足
黛姊,我要全球觀眾感受那股刺激
都是套好的?
套得好好的,他們是演員
想說給妳一點臨場感
這是我們要拍的片
我有把故事大綱帶來
大概寫一寫,讓妳有個概念
–天啊 –好嗎?
我們的片存在臨場動作的世界
就是沒劇本的打趴別人
那個人拿槍K你
妳是說老賴?
老賴,演得很好,鐵定會很痛
–當然 –臭老賴,好樣的
你精神不正常
黛姊,我想當名符其實的動作明星
你要我說什麼?
黛姊,我要妳點頭答應
不行,我絕不會答應
–不管哪個片商都不行 –拜託
–不行 –麻煩妳看一下
黛姊,麻煩妳
麻煩妳看一下,拿去
–我... –好了
看一下就好
我會看
成功了
喬事哥,她是不是很愛?
就說吧,她給你預算多少?
三億?四億...五億預算?
開車就好
凱文,是他們沒眼光
你是天王,這個小地方配不上你
聽到沒?你是我的天王
像神般崇拜
等一下,那邊那個女的是她嗎?
把劇本丟掉的人是她嗎?
不好意思,穿紅外套的小姐
妳好
凱文達奈爾哈特是國寶
–開車 –我們要開車
但說實話,妳實在不要那麼假
–幸會 –阿安,開你的車
《終極哈特二：搏命演出》
今天是你最美好的一天,報紙
阿安,你每天都說一樣的錯話
你還沒喝芝麻豆腐奶昔才不耐煩
馬上拿來,蘇菲,他的芝豆昔
–你那樣叫很討厭 –來了,大口吸,很好
我不耐煩是因為我的夢想片被打臉
現在要怎麼辦?
還有我們,有我們挺你
–你說誰啊? –漢娜、蘇菲、我
提傑在那邊,我們可是你的心腹團
我知道你欠按摩
妮娜,可以熱石按摩了嗎?
–給我十分鐘 –給她十分鐘
凱文,你好了就開始
–我好了 –你可以
最好是,拿去
–夭壽,你好嗎? –很好
凱哥,假裝在瑞士阿爾卑斯山騎單車
阿爾卑斯山會電腦後製
沒單車要怎麼騎?
那個也會電腦後製,開拍
–要我騎空氣? –騎下去
–演在騎單車 –沒錯
凱文,像這樣手伸直
不要鬧了
我演不出來
不能再這樣假下去
什麼電腦後製,什麼綠幕煩死了
假得要命
不是
我要正港的動作
凱文,不要抓狂
妮娜,熱石幾時會好?
A咖演員凱文哈特又上新聞
主演高人氣重拍電影《傑佛森一家》
哈特暴走,好萊塢明星破壞餐廳
哈特自掏腰包破壞高級餐廳
試圖爭取片商老闆投資他所謂的
眞人實境版動作片
就在一年前這位演員
高調開除長期合作的替身道格尤班斯
讓劇組人員措手不及
把這個人帶來
把這個凱文哈特帶來
事情大條了
不是我在說,阿安,你不懂
我把夢想片丟出來,結果呢?
卡爾史壯伯格搶著拍
沒錯
老闆,說實在的,我不喜歡
你不知道這個人的底細
我上網查他都查不到資料
誰叫他是歐洲人
大家都知道他們有自己的網路
這個傢伙銀彈很多,超有錢
他想拍我的片,我是沒意見
老闆,我沒辦法
為你著想是我的工作
你剛說什麼?
–為你著想是我的... –哪是啊
其實你的工作剛好相反
阿安,知道誰為我著想嗎?
是我,為我著想的人是我
–停車 –什麼?
–我自己開 –凱文,不行
不能自己開,你需要我
誰需要你,更正一下
我不需要你,不需要替身
更不需要助理教我怎麼生活
叫你停車
–方向盤不要握中間 –阿安,閉嘴
叫你閉嘴
–我會開 –我們都知道
我們知道他會開車
手放在排檔桿,打到D檔
打到一檔
不對,那是倒車,我來幫你好了
我上車,發動再開出去
–沒人知道是我 –誰要你幫
很好,非常好
–車有在動 –順得要命
滾,我要一路開回家
卡爾
卡爾,你是做什麼的?
我靠開採貴金屬致富
現在投資巴爾幹半島電影為主
投資過一部北韓片
那邊申請拍攝一定不容易
孬種才去申請
你的故事大綱,很危險
很暴力
幾乎沒劇本,一般人很難理解
我不是一般人
我是卡爾史壯伯格
對
所以
我會投資你的電影
我沒聽錯吧?
你要投資我的電影?
好開心
還不用套招演一遍,那樣貴桑桑
我可不想花錢打破這片玻璃
卡爾,害我還很焦慮
焦慮到不行
你剛讓我的焦慮一掃而空
–是別人沒眼光 –對
外界看衰你從喜劇轉型到動作片
有嗎?
你開除替身,特技親自上陣
外界看衰你
–誰說的? –大家都知道
現在衹剩你和阿湯哥特技自己來
這是事實
我們路線很像
怎樣?你要幹麼?
凱文,這部片
會讓你走出自己的路
成為獨一無二的動作明星
沒錯,獨一無二的動作明星
對
卡爾,這樣才對
你懂我,感覺我們一見如故
眞受不了電腦後製和綠幕
卡爾,這個故事你覺得怎樣?
–觀眾看電影不是看故事 –對
是看動作
還有裸露鏡頭
我的劇本...
裡面沒裸露鏡頭
你要的話,有人想看屌
我能加戲
我不怕正面全裸,我願意犧牲色相
衹要觀眾想看
我最在意的點是動作
我不想照劇本來,要冷不防出現
–包準你閃尿 –你說什麼?
褲子會隨時準備好
你閃尿就能換
–嚇到閃尿 –你會閃尿
–我會嚇到閃尿 –尿到滿褲子
包準你閃尿
–我想閃尿 –你會
我很想閃個幾滴
–很想閃尿? –沒錯
滿褲子都是尿
卡爾,誰怕誰
我現在就想閃尿
–幾時開始讓我閃? –早就開始了
你後面有一臺隱藏攝影機
看到了
那個小小黑黑的黑塊
後退,不要過來
你抓錯人了
靠,我的菊花要失身了
舔完菊花是不是要燒死我?
你是誰?
告訴我這是什麼地方
等一下,卡爾史壯伯格是你老闆?
卡爾史壯伯格是不是你老闆?
好
電影開拍了
都是演的,卡爾,我喜歡
靠
讓我想想演到哪裡
夭壽,害我心跳狂飆
算你狠,還以為你要舔我菊花
三、二、一
鎮定下來,開始
我找你找得好辛苦
巴索羅繆先生,你眞難找
換你接話
你有一句臺詞
你說完,我會做反應
我要接下去演,除非你不是工會演員
他是不是工會演員?有人嗎?
麻煩你...劇本有改
肯定有人改劇本,讓我培養情緒
要拿大剪刀剪斷我手指?
剪斷我的腿?我的腳?
插句話,踢趴你一隻腳就夠
那段能剪進預告
–我衹... –晚安
用大剪刀太便宜這個人
是製片嗎?還是卡爾?卡爾?
他要贖罪
什麼東西?贖什麼罪
要讓他嘗到他給別人的痛苦
我一頭霧水,不知道演到哪裡
要改劇本,也要給我腳本吧
我不會出戲
慢慢來好不好?
我懂你,你是氣我...
不要再過來,站在那邊就好
不要過來
數到十
數你的頭,等等
大哥,夭壽,不要割到我的屌
不要割到,不管,老子跟你拚了
超帥
很好
一、二
快點
快啊
可惡,算你倒楣
有沒有拍到?
凹回來,沒問題
蒙托亞,我來了
這個片場超屌,好逼眞
靠
是蒙托亞的人
喬丹?妳來這裡幹麼?
那個混蛋,妳有受傷嗎?
–有受傷嗎? –凱文,怎麼回事?
鈾劫案
–就是這樣 –等等,什麼?
巴索羅繆被我打趴了
蒙托亞將軍不會輕易放過我們
你到底在說什麼?
我在遛狗
莫名其妙被人用麻醉槍射中脖子
醒來就在這裡
妳說什麼?妳沒跟卡爾史壯伯格談?
–誰? –卡爾史壯伯格,談電影的事
我們在演這部片
是眞人實境片,動作戲都是臨場來
沒綠幕和鋼絲,動作自然不套招
我的演藝事業和動作片地位 會更上一層樓
–你是始作俑者? –劇本是我的
花我...誰曉得多久寫的,卡爾...
你到底有什麼毛病?
–你哪根筋不對? –靠
–煩死了 –住手,好刺
妳躺在上面多久?好痛
妳幹麼態度那麼差?
故事大綱很簡單,這是鋪陳 我是三面間諜
軍情七處,最高層級的間諜
沒人比我高,妳是我喜歡的人
他們把妳擄來好抓我
現在我來救妳
–懂不懂? –可憐
綁票是重罪
又不是小孩子
就擄走而已
–那才可憐 –凱文,媽的
幹麼罵人?幹麼對我氣噗噗?
要氣也氣卡爾史壯伯格
我不認識那個人
不要讓他們聽到
誰?誰會聽到?
這裡沒半個人,不要說卡爾史壯伯格
是史壯還是史裝?
不知道是史壯還是史裝伯格
–我... –好
到處都有攝影機,我們在拍片
哪裡?沒看到半臺攝影機
麻煩妳睜大眼睛,到處都是好不好
聽好
妳衹要順著演下去就好
這是我們的大好機會,趕快入戲
拜託?
這個地方比諾克斯堡戒備還森嚴
老天,對白誰寫的?
那些混蛋知道我會來救妳
來個英雄救美
謝謝你救我
我就像小女人
整個人花容失色,要男人來救我
叫我吃東西,才不會餓死
叫我呼吸,才不會窒息
卡,能卡一下嗎?
妳能不能配合我?
–我寧願不要 –拜託
–謝謝 –好吧
大家重來一次,自己喊開拍
妳知道外面有什麼嗎?
外面有喪心病狂的人
我說的是傭兵、殺手、忍者 沒用的空手道館教練
一拖拉庫自以為能傷害我的人
有人懸賞要拿我的人頭
艾絲美拉妲,跟妳說
我會付賞金
送上我的人頭
衹要能救妳,讓妳念完醫學院
完成妳開診所的心願,靠
完成妳開診所的心願
艾絲美拉妲,等等
艾絲美拉妲
陰魂不散的大塊呆
不要傷害她,聽到沒?
這件事跟她無關
七萬八千公斤的失竊鈾 是我跟你的恩怨
想來硬的?
老子奉陪到底
假到不行
凱文,下次你要拍爛片,不要找我
哇靠
不好意思,這個臨演呆瓜
剛用斧頭K我的臉嗎?
卡,不行,馬上卡
什麼怪電影,叫製片出來
你這麼弱?
喬丹,讓我入鏡
揍扁他
喬丹,我的角色也要露臉,換我
漂亮
撐住
帥啦
拍到了,眞是精采,打得好
來,打趴他的人應該是我才對
我是男主角,應該是我
後製再修...
快走
那個傢伙想砍死我
凱文,不是演電影,他砍人不手軟
眞人實境是有點差
有點差?這叫有點差?
還好嗎?
妳衹是想叫我道歉
–讓我喘一下,怎樣? –凱文,不是
你被眞的子彈射中
那是假血
–什麼?血當然是眞的 –不是,舔一下
–誰要舔你的血 –舔舔看
–是豬血 –不要
不是我的血
會不會痛?
糟了
我要躺一下
凱文,不要睡,你看
有攝影師要拍照
很好,快起來
什麼世界
藥局櫃檯
妳朋友有什麼事?
就是很突然的意外
他被一個飛得很快的小東西
射穿肩膀,需要止痛藥止痛
我是沒藥單,不過眞的很緊急
這樣啊
想不想買好貨?來點蝴蝶片、奧施
草包、濕蓋、飆吉?
月餅、蜘蛛派?
我不是毒蟲,認不出我是演員嗎?
算了
我的傻朋友中槍
是眞槍實彈
他在巷子血流不止,你不幫我救他
就是見死不救
我認識他嗎?
算你走運,衹是皮肉傷
拿去,衹能要到這瓶酒
–要幹麼? –痛的時候喝
那個藥劑師眞是奇葩
妳拿這瓶酒給我才是奇葩
我不能喝競爭酒廠的酒
回去跟他要格蘭科拉米諾
眞的假的?凱文,你中槍,我被綁票
–又不是小孩子 –你要解決這件事
–夠了 –馬上解決
就說沒辦法了
我想也沒辦法,橋段都是刻意設計
我讓卡爾史壯伯格全權做主
他可是大金主
你有聽到自己說什麼吧?
阿安沒說錯
你的助理阿安?
我的助理
不對,是前助理
他說得對,這樣好了
我們去找卡爾史壯伯格
就去找他
叫他不要亂改劇本
現在他整個大暴走
劇情亂七八糟
這部片要大賣
就不能這樣亂搞
去找他
至少我的車還在
衹有你的車,這裡沒半臺車
週末人比較少
凱文,今天是星期二
什麼東西
凱文,這裡好像很久沒人的樣子
不對,我剛才在這裡
史壯伯格就坐在那邊
是上禮拜還是上上禮拜
我被打昏記不清楚,我眞的來過
他坐在這邊的辦公桌
他就坐在這裡...
包準你閃尿
就知道我沒瘋
不然怎麼會有垃圾?
知道他在幹麼嗎?
他人很奇怪
用舔塞鼻孔,口水流滿根
我看著他在做,他還閉眼享受...
幹麼把我扯進你的找死奇幻片?
妳說什麼?我衹叫他考慮喬丹金
考慮是一種提議
很好,謝謝你的提議
妳是瑞典大明星,搞不好才找妳
瑞典大明星是格蕾塔童貝里
–那個環保少女? –瑞典人最重視環保
等等
等一下,過來,這是什麼?
妳看,看一下好不好?
什麼東西?
播放我
有錄影帶,好久沒看到這種東西
我是巴克華經紀公司的布萊恩麥法登
來試鏡...是史壯伯格還是史裝伯格?
卡爾史壯伯格就是他,髮型不太一樣
把這個人帶來,這個凱文哈特
聲音要低沉一點
凱文,是試鏡帶
看也知道
問題是幹麼要放試鏡帶
為什麼是試鏡帶?
等一下,有卡爾史壯伯格這個人嗎?
你來開會前沒上網查他嗎?
他是瑞典人
要我大老遠跑到瑞典查他?不要鬧了
你有嗑藥嗎?
快接起來
哪位?
動作明星先生
恭喜你逃出來
知道你用眞槍實彈射我嗎?
當然知道
–可惜沒射死你 –笨死了
–射死我就沒戲唱了 –傻瓜
–從頭到尾都沒戲 –什麼意思?
你給我正經點
別褻瀆這個行業
我們在拍片
你是哪位?是製片嗎?
你忘記自己是誰
自己的出身
誰會忘記那種事?
你小學一年級的老師叫什麼?
福克森老師
不對,克拉森老師,克拉...克萊森
克萊森老師
你出生的醫院叫什麼?
–扯到那裡幹麼? –叫什麼?
快想
–聖佛肯斯丁 –怪怪的
聖佛肯斯丁醫院
少給我問東問西,廢話那麼多
你到底是誰?
我是結束你生命的那個人
你不再是凱文哈特
–你什麼都不是 –什麼東西?
不好意思,請問把我扯進來做什麼?
凱文,你幹麼講那麼久
不好意思我想了解狀況
想聽殺人魔把話說完
抱歉害妳沒講到話
–喬丹,有完沒完 –聽到沒?
是錄影機在叫,什麼東西?
–幹,是炸彈 –什麼?
–有炸彈 –快拆掉
–妳來啊 –我最好知道怎麼拆炸彈
妳是說我是黑人就知道?
黑人都會拆炸彈?
–我沒那樣說 –最好是
種族歧視的女人,走開
快點,眞要命
打開電梯門
快拉
撐住門
快閃,靠
應該是在拍片
就是假炸彈...靠
車鑰匙呢?嚇死我了
哥,你沒事,什麼那麼大聲?
阿安?你來幹麼?快上車
講這樣,幫你開車門,好了
凱文,炸彈眞到不行
–好 –眞炸彈
喬丹,拜託妳替我想想
不要,幹麼要替你想
安靜,閉上你的鳥嘴
喬丹,我是阿安,不知道妳記不記得
–手握好方向盤 –好的
我是凱文的徒弟
抱歉,我是凱文的助理 前助理,記性好差
阿安,我當然記得
凱文在街上把你炒了?
哪是,怎麼可能
應該是人行道,我超愛遊民巷
每個人都有故事,好多受教機會
等等,你沒回家,一直等到現在?
我是備用鑰匙不離身
那是我的工作,等一下沒關係
–卅個小時咻一下就過去 –卅個小時?
衹要凱文平安,叫我等到死都行
住嘴,我沒叫你這樣
–不要一副我是惡老闆的嘴臉 –我知道
你炒我魷魚
原來他被炒是想警告你
這個瑞典流氓其實是爛演員
他找人想殺掉我們
我實在搞不清楚狀況
喬丹,我要說一下,妳還在氣我
我會氣你氣到老
很抱歉插個話,要去哪裡?
我就亂開
開到我家,去我家
誰要去你家,我要回家
不行,我要知道妳平安
就像阿安想知道你平安
這樣好了
我很清楚妳在幹麼
妳想讓我反省
自己是怎樣的人,就是這樣
休想
我接受自己是怎樣的人,我很滿意
沒用,再按一次
–密碼有沒有按錯? –是你的生日
怎麼可能忘記
我刺在大腿內側,每天都會擦
看到沒?老是搞這種烏龍事
–還是沒用 –等等
說不定幕後操縱的人改掉大門密碼
等等,他們以為我死了
–這對我們有利 –搞不好
有...靠
喬丹,有警衛,躲到後面
要閃嗎?要不要?
–不要,等等 –凱文,我要走人
不用走,住嘴
–你確定?他不喜歡我 –留在車上
–先生 –怎麼了?
你好嗎?幸會
–知不知道這是私人住宅? –不知道
–請你離開,謝謝 –沒問題
–不要離開 –我想到了
不是,我老闆住在裡面
我進去一下子就好
馬上離開,就沒人被電到吱吱叫
當然,不用麻煩
不准離開
–你敢試試看 –我不要離開
不要惹我
–他在唬你 –你在唬人
我沒在唬人
唬得那麼明顯,嗆爆他
幹,你滿嘴...
哈特先生問候你
我沒叫他電人
–阿安 –他沒事吧?
阿安...
阿安,換我們來開好了
不用擔心,我可以
該死,脖子拐到好痛
趕快去找妮娜幫我按兩下
妮娜是誰?
–全職按摩師 –功力超好
當然
我的人生毀了,妳還說風涼話
–都是你自找的? –哪是啊
我沒有,我是要拍片
差很大,拍片有攝影機、収音、燈光
這跟拍片完全不一樣
–要去報警 –不用勞師動眾
這個人以為我們死了
我們將計就計
讓他以為我們不存在
人間蒸發,衹要弄清楚躲去哪
有娜塔莎在就好了,她知道怎麼做
娜塔莎又是誰?
–她處理我的民宿事務 –民宿顧問
越來越扯
我想到一個地方,沒人找得到
誰要來?
就當自己家
要不要喝東西?康普茶、咖啡、茶?
我要喝康普茶
被妳抓包了,我沒康普茶,抱歉
–開水就好 –開水
太好了,要喝開水嗎?
我不會用你的杯子喝水
–很好 –天啊
–你住這裡? –對
–我的一小片天堂 –好噁
–什麼? –我說好噁
–我喜歡,其實很可愛 –謝謝
我跟我媽很愛換花樣
之前是走西南部風
整間都是青綠色
–你媽幫你佈置? –超幫忙,她是我室友
–她就在那邊 –嚇我一跳
不要怕,看好,要跟她聊天嗎?
–不要吵她 –媽,還好嗎?
–妳睡到嘴開開 –眞是的
–天啊 –不要撲過來
–稀客 –奶罩喬好
是美國國寶凱文哈特
都是家人,不用這樣
還有喬丹金,還是要叫妳阿薇?
演那個角色酬勞少得可憐
叫我喬丹就好
過來,阿姨抱一下
你們要吃東西,我來弄一桌好菜
阿安,去冰箱
把聖誕節的豬排拿出來解凍
要吃聖誕節豬排?
–不用 –我們等了六年
我們時間不多,不用麻煩
肉不要浪費,留著以後吃
–你要吃我的肉 –媽,告訴他
–不用 –你會口水直流
–不要 –大家都說我的肉很夠味
–你受傷了? –不是
–你知道... –靠,女人不要亂摸
–你知道有流血嗎? –知道
–上面也有? –不要摸
凱文哈特不能穿沾血的衣服到處走
你這麼厲害,快把上衣脫掉
我要洗一洗,早上才洗完一堆血衣
快脫掉
–叫他脫掉 –脫掉,害什麼羞?
有人的肚子很可愛
–太多了 –媽,妳看
記得我跟妳說過他的肚臍嗎?
–趁機啵一個 –讓我...拜託
讓我脫下來,拜託不要拍我
–好過癮 –謝謝
沒看過這麼扯的事
太吸睛了,這就是男人味
–我們在拍... –他居然來我們家
臨場動作片,各種動作...
–他們是好人 –好人?誰啊?
你好壞,怎麼能對他這麼壞?看看他
我沒遇過像他這麼貼心的好人
你怎麼能炒他?
從頭說嗎?
他做事沒分寸
他關心你
不要說了,他有次幫我剪腳趾甲
我躺在床上
旁邊還有女人
–沒錯 –好
幹得很吃力,腦袋想很多
拚命亂想
–不... –黑肉棒充血到極點
–不用說 –瞬間倒縮,隨便妳說
結果低頭看到他抬頭看我
–害我射不出來 –謝謝你說那麼清楚
這樣妳才有畫面
我能到片場演戲
都是經紀人、正音老師、助理
私人教練、髮型師
化妝師幫我
還有親朋好友支持我
為我犧牲
聽不懂妳在說什麼,感覺像廢話
凱文,也有很多人幫你
–你才能成為明星 –才怪
我是靠這雙手打出一片天
你要這樣說也可以
不要怪我沒說
好
–在聊什麼? –沒什麼
現在豬排有濃濃的蝦味,超香
上衣拿來了,鐵定合身
凱文哈特
–看到沒? –不錯
–我自己縫的 –好
謝啦
我剛沒機會問你
那是誰?
–這個? –對
是我爸,他走很久了
–眞的? –對
我也是
–我媽養大我 –我知道
你爸想到要養小孩就怕到落跑?
不是,他人很善良
他是李察普瑞爾的助理
你爸是李察...
可以說當助理是家族遺傳
–眞是傳奇人物 –是不是?
–好厲害 –厲害吧
–結果害死他 –什麼意思?
有瘋狂歌迷鑽過大秀的安檢
我爸用肉身幫李察普瑞爾擋刀
–不要開玩笑 –沒有
他被刺到肚破腸流
–什麼? –我爸當場斷氣
夭壽,實在想不通
我也是,我們全家都很震驚
怎麼有人想殺李察普瑞爾?
–誰? –怎麼會?太扯了
我爸要斷氣前一定有抬頭
問他幹麼要殺人之類的
–一定是 –搞不好沒有
當時重要的是有人想殺李察
我爸早斷氣了
要想的是這個人是誰?有沒有同夥?
那是助理的事,人生不能重來
我想也沒辦法
我看過很多醫生,想走出來
我能做什麼?用我小小的身體擋刀
–對 –對
往好處想,他死前在做他最愛的事
當助理
他很高興自己帶給人歡樂
那個人又帶給很多人歡樂
我知道的事都是他教的
那個...
我不是眞的要炒你
我記得你說
“我不需要替身,更不需要助理”
你臭罵我,然後叫我下車
你記性眞好
現在回頭想想,說不定我需要
我還需要助理
要是你...媽呀
好了
我也需要你
–不一樣 –我也需要你
–幹 –好
我沒這麼硬過
我要跟我媽說,媽,包準妳不信
恭喜
眞是奇葩
–我為你驕傲 –閉嘴
你像這樣尊重身邊的人
人生就會很快樂
妳好怪
把我說得這麼壞
說出一個我不尊重的人
說一個就好
我能說出一個人
一年前
–喬丹 –你好
我看通告單沒看到妳的替身
–我叫她回家 –為什麼?
機車我從小騎到大,今天特技很簡單
乾洗店爆炸前,我要騎車衝破玻璃
等等
誰說簡單?妳說簡單嗎?
反正你有道格
特技妳自己來,我找替身
那樣能看嗎?
–大家會怎麼想我? –你是演員?
我又不是跳崖
不是跳機,也不是跟鱷魚搏鬥
妳看扁我,以為我不夠強是不是?
不是,特技是道格的工作
我需要道格?
沒錯
才不是
我不需要道格
被他聽到了
道格
我去跟道格聊聊
凱文
原來是你
我的替身
說出來怕你不信
喬丹剛跟我說她叫她的替身回家
你很清楚她想幹麼
她想讓我丟臉,我這個人激不得
激不得,我是凱文哈特
事情是這樣,聊聊我們好了
我跟你合作最愉快,你跟我多久了?
有那麼久,跟我好久了
我知道你很行,你該去外面闖闖
也就是說,你不用來了
我要炒你魷魚,這樣說對嗎?
應該沒錯,好聚好散的炒法
以後還是朋友
我要去準備
我的替身
–凱文 –來做特技
–這樣炒人很沒品 –來做特技
我沒要讓你丟臉
喬丹,夠了
動作明星先生,沒關係
給我聽好
我在這行多久了?
多久?
你說我的名聲沒說服力?
才怪
《美國隊長四》什麼時候拍?
麥基有替身嗎?
他有
大家都有替身
亞當崔佛呢?你說他有空
我能替他工作
當亞當的司機
聽好,我是說眞的
我不介意當司機
當亞當的司機也可以
史考特,該死,媽的
人家做這行好多年了
好
年度特技演員,道格尤班斯
我很喜歡工作
我很平靜快樂,創作靈感很多
現在我的創作是讓其他人發光
也擴展其他事業機會
希望能繼續成長
我的替身竟然這樣對我
前替身
我要想辦法解決這件事
凱文
媽看一下,等等
要換藥,帶他到房間,給他靠東西
–來 –拿幾條濕毛巾
不用送他去醫院嗎?
不用,我會讓他康復,我很會
–等等,妳是醫生? –比醫生更厲害
我是媽媽
左右左右
他不會有事,我媽很厲害
妳呢?還好嗎?
不太好,我也算幫兇
道格大概怪我害他被炒
才把我抓來他的殺人小遊戲 想報復我
沒關係
凱文康復就會想出完美計畫
不行,不能坐在這裡
要弄清楚眞相
–凱文最信任的人是誰? –經紀人
–眞的? –對
–去找他 –現在?現在不行
喬丹,現在不方便
這樣呢?喬丹,妳是名人
進去被認出來會有問題
再來,道格以為妳死了
–被炸死 –沒錯
我剛想到了,謝謝我
先說來聽聽
聰明,這招高明,後面有變裝東西
我都有多準備一套,快把袋子拿來
–多準備一套? –對
凱文有時候不喜歡被認出來
不管想去買菜,餵鴨子,騷擾陌生人
送我都不要穿
有都看過一遍嗎?
–像這邊這套 –阿安,看路
我在看,妳看我用膝蓋急左轉
好丟臉
好在凱文的衣服妳能穿,懂嗎?
就想這是妳演過最大的角色
妳可以的
聯合經紀公司
我們要找史考特赫曼
好的
你們是?
羅納蒙多維亞三世
幸會
這位是大鬼才...
比爾,我叫比爾
比爾蒙多維亞
我們都姓蒙多維亞
他是我舅舅
我媽媽那邊的
我舅舅超會做菜
剛是怎樣?誰會叫蒙多維亞
妳還想怎樣?我沒辦法專心
妳的口音有夠假
–我的口音? –對
我承認很假
–我的口音超像 –算了
我們不可能見到凱文的經紀人
他們搞不好叫警衛
警衛要是來 就裝成羅納和比爾蒙多維亞
專拍開箱影片的有名IG網紅
就是開箱新貨,裡面有小箱子
–好嗎? –你看,她去洗手間
比爾不會那樣說,他比較老粗
他會說她去大便
淡定
請按讚訂閱
停一下,看到了
–凱文的經紀人在前面 –他在跟誰說話?
不是凱文
不要亂動
凱文哈特先生需要恢復體力
你會留下來到康復
在我家,聽我的故事
吃我的聖誕節豬排
幾年前我老公受傷,我救不了他
現在老天再給我機會
美國國寶凱文哈特
辛西亞的寶貝
喂?
媽,叫凱文聽
沒辦法,他在睡覺
有急事
媽,趕快叫他聽,叫醒他
喂?
你是來救我嗎?我被人下毒
凱文,仔細聽清楚
我們剛結束偵察任務,超厲害
道格是你,你被道格取代了
等等,什麼取代?我聽不懂
是我媽剛幫你打一點麻醉藥
放心,等你清醒過來
就要知道道格想讓大家相信他是你
他矯正暴牙,也換髮型
他的舉手投足,簡直就是你
我的員工沒那麼好騙
他們知道不是我
他們是我的心腹團
凱文...
你加薪...
你加薪,大家都加薪
誰叫我是凱文
我是凱文
抱歉,凱文突然很累,要休息,再見
–不要 –媽,不要掛
凱文想見到道格,衹能透過一個人
二零六哥
這位二零六哥是誰?
他是很有名的替身,道格是他徒弟
那就簡單了
我們就帶凱文去找二零六哥
休想,打死我都不去找二零六
他是神經病
有次排練差點害死我,還要我道歉
喬丹,凱文需要妳
–他需要我? –現在很需要
凱文不是不需要人,現在又需要了
算了
–我帶他去找二零六哥 –幹麼?這是凱文的問題
–他自己去就好 –不行
我是凱文的助理,絕不會讓他開車
–是空檔 –很抱歉,難怪變慢
我想開快點,反而更慢
好在有我媽的細心照顧讓你康復
你剛說什麼?
那個女人在豬排下藥
–她想毒死我 –她很厲害
看看你,快點
告訴我,為什麼叫他二零六?
人體有皕零六塊骨頭
他當特技指導前,每塊骨頭都斷過
應該是皕零五塊
聽說拍攝最後一天折斷第皕零六塊
–什麼?是哪塊? –右腳小趾應聲折斷
–好猛 –對
有人嗎?
二零六?
二零六哥?
–哥什麼哥,是二零六 –好
牌子寫謝絕推銷,滾
沒看到牌子,外面沒牌子
–誰拿走我的牌子? –不是我們
不管怎樣,我們不是來推銷
不會叫你買東西
連我的聲音都認不出
知道門口這個人是誰嗎?
我是喜劇演員凱文哈特
我剛說了
快滾
好,靠
是我
–是我 –是凱文哈特
給我一個不殺你們的好理由
凱文的下部片會拿奧斯卡獎
等等,你的徒弟
–道格尤班斯很有事 –他怎樣?
他走火入魔了
他整個...
不對,不應該騙你
我不是來騙你,我說實話
我炒過他,我想解決這件事
二零六哥,沒你我辦不到
你的茶要加什麼?
偉大的替身背後是平庸的演員
我讓你們不舒服嗎?
我衹是替你緊張
你的熱茶就在睾丸上面
你要幹麼?
什麼東西?
–拜託 –現在是怎樣?
不要這樣
古巴比倫人相信穿內褲是懦弱的表現
我認同
我尊重你
尊重你
我...
想謝謝你抽出時間,我知道你很忙
廢話少說,快說來找我幹麼
我知道道格是你徒弟
對不對?
衹有你抓得到他的動作和邏輯
我需要你幫我
不要看到髒東西
陪我散散步
道格尤班斯不衹是我以前的學生
他是我的朋友,我的閨密
二零零三年我們短暫交往過
道格是我訓練過最大膽的特技演員
他有次叫我拿冰錐捅他
他要知道那種痛才演得出來
–你有捅嗎? –當然有
替身不能怕痛
每天在片場為演員出生入死
偶爾演員會謝謝你
有時連一句謝謝都沒有
有時還炒你魷魚,自以為是藍波
結果衹是愛面子的小賤貨
你要幫我跟他說嗎?
說話是演員的事
替身衹做動作
你要跟道格決鬥
你會輸
靠,那說那麼多幹麼?
我好心跟你說
每個人都困在自己的故事裡
–我知道你的故事 –是復仇故事
–不是復仇,是贖罪 –我很確定是復仇
你到底要什麼?
我要找回自己的人生,打敗道格
打敗道格,道格是敵人嗎?
道格是壞人?你是好人? 我有沒有聽錯
我們都是壞人
凱文,不是
你們都是好人
–有沒有聽到? –讓我想一下
–他幹過道格 –我沒聽到,什麼?
–他幹過道格 –我沒聽到
–就在前面,他自己說的 –哪有,我看到瓢蟲
–他以前也算幹過你 –等一下,他沒有
這是我的道場
看樣子衹有一堆樹,沒關係
天啊
–不好意思 –抱歉
–借過 –好
–借我過 –抱歉
不要擋路
是我們不對,不知道有步道
我不知道
你要在這裡訓練我跟道格決鬥?
跟你說明一下
替身教條,當你的演員
你訓練的每個角色,道格加倍訓練
你要學的每個動作,道格學得紮實
一定要紮實,開拍時拿命去拚的是他
有人坐在監看區喝拿鐵,吃裸女壽司
先說一下,我得結膜炎超慘
我學到教訓,到現在都沒再吃
你沒珍惜過道格
演員都這樣
我最近發現自己不珍惜很多人
凱文,很好
有成長
看到上面那根樹枝沒?
看到了
爬到那根樹枝,再摔下來
我要怎麼...
你想摸透道格的邏輯和動作
就要從他的視角看,拋開恐懼和猶豫
我就直說了,我有點害怕
–不是我... –我願意替他摔
夠義氣
這是凱文的事,樹枝是他要摔
你不懂
–凱文的事就是我的事 –這個...
–錢不算 –不算
–収入不算 –不算
–成功不算 –不算
–超讚的珍貴車也不算 –不算
他的痛苦和煩惱都算
不好的事也算我的事
那好吧
天啊
你們在幹麼?
從後面看不太好看,怎麼了?
凱文,你沒辦法跟道格決鬥
不過你有一樣他絕不會有的東西
你有跟班
阿安?
阿安是我的...要怎麼說
–我衹是... –他...
–不要說 –我是他助理
不要說,阿安是你的什麼?
–說出來 –給他說
–不要管他,阿安是你的什麼? –你...
–他是你的什麼? –他是我助理
–說出來 –阿安是我的...他是我的跟班
–說出來 –阿安是我的跟班
–說出來 –他是我的跟班
–說大聲一點 –好
阿安是我的跟班
凱文,叫你大聲一點不會是不是
我要你用丹田之力說出來
阿安是我的跟班
我說阿安是我的跟班
誰是你的跟班?
–我說阿安是我的跟班 –我是你的跟班
–阿安是我的跟... –我是你的跟班
我幹麼哭?
叫出來是好事,成長會痛
那種痛沒替身能代替你
凱文,你來這裡找師父
師父就是你
對
你們好好聊一聊
聊聊你們的新關係
我去喝茶
今天超誇張
我是你的跟班,我有辦法對付道格
我們能合作,想辦法接近他
不用拍他什麼的,怎麼了?
–他手上的疤 –怎樣?
我認得那個疤
斧頭小木屋,二零一八年電影道具
我們沒買東西,請離開
大哥,我再半小時要跟嬌妻火辣約會
肉丸三明治之夜
我衹知道片商黛柏拉賽門有包裹給你
我能把包裹留下來,也能載回去
你要怎樣?
進來
我想也是,待會見,進去
蒙多維亞水電行,我是羅納蒙多維亞
有照有保險,有人有照沒保險
有人有保險沒照,我有照有保險
–黛柏拉賽門叫水電工送包裹? –我不是一般的水電工
什麼都難不倒我,有時連管子都不用
有次我拿牛皮紙袋來用
水噴得到處都是,有夠誇張
–車上有什麼? –天啊
抓緊你的黑睾丸
大哥,這是馬桶
意大利進口大理石,外觀一體成形
十二段速洗屁屁檯,右邊有氣炸鍋
你能邊炸邊吃,邊吃邊拉
這種馬桶衹出一兩臺
可說是地表最強的禮物,麻煩你
你...
要不要幫我搬?
–算了,隨便 –好
我來帶路,抬起來,背要用力
大馬桶來了,借過一下
阿安引開警衛了
–好 –妳可以嗎?
我們家看到A咖演員有難
絕不會袖手旁觀
我們會拚到死
這個世界很缺這種人,妳姓什麼?
蒙多維亞
–這個東西要放哪? –問到重點了
這樣吧
能放廁所,當成七彩小馬那樣炫耀
也能放主浴室,自己獨享
還有第三個選項,聽好了,這個很扯
馬桶也能放這裡
就放在客廳中間
在這裡拉滿缸油屎
盯著大家看,讓他們看得一頭霧水
我知道你在想什麼,想說太囂張
–他們會把你當神 –等等,你有點面熟?
我有點面熟...
應該是這樣
是不是你在樓上拉硬屎塞到水管
害大家以為是小狗掉進水管?
我怎麼會拉硬屎,你在鬼扯什麼?
–不是你嗎? –不是
–不是嗎? –小狗掉進水管?
是臘腸狗嗎?樣子滿像的
是那隻狗嗎?
–不要走,待會再處理你 –我不會走
你害我沒面子
凱文,還好嗎?一切都很順利
我很好,衹是滿身大汗
夭壽,怎麼不挖幾個洞?
等我放你出來給他好看,怎麼樣?
–快點 –好
蒙多維亞
你在幹麼?
眞好笑,說出來你會笑死
這個木箱我有點鑽太緊
沒工具很難開
等我一下,去拿工具馬上回來,再聊
阿安,最好不要玩了,說正經的
阿安
是煙火嗎?
我住隔壁的蒙多維亞莊園
是你放的嗎?放煙火是違法的
不是我們,不知道是誰放的
害人家嚇壞了,我有裝心律調節器
你還有什麼話好說?
太太,我說煙火不是我們的 我也沒拉硬屎
什麼?
誰叫你電阿安
阿安?
阿安,快點,沒跟你開玩笑
怎麼這麼久?你跑去哪?
不要把我丟在箱子,安靜得要命
什麼聲音?
阿安,是電鋸嗎?
阿安,等等
鋸慢一點
會鋸到我的頭,夭壽
不要再鋸了
不要再鋸,天啊
靠,阿安,搞屁啊?
糟了
很高興代表業界的特技演員說
今天是你的死期
等等
想告訴我特技傳奇大人物需要電鋸?
這樣才像話,有種來單挑
兩條狗搶一碗飯怎麼樣,肚子好餓
沒錯
你有刀
你這種老大哥
特技傳奇單挑小矮子需要用到刀?
–用手揍死你算了 –什麼?
那個爛走廊太窄,害你綁手綁腳
喬丹打爆你
我戴的面具不透氣,滿臉汗鹹到眼花
–小孩都打得過我 –還眞會編藉口
超人拳
靠
好痛
阿安,跟班快來救我
跟什麼班,都是我亂掰的
我會幫你?
我會幫貪婪又不懂得珍惜
被吹捧過頭的演員?
想說給你一點假希望再弄死你
靠,手快斷了
我會讓你全身皕零六塊骨頭斷光
–再舔你菊花 –就知道你愛舔菊花
–刺你 –刀好可愛
你想怎樣?用那個捅我嗎?
不是我,是她
靠
妳的飛刀眞準
天啊
大哥
看我,眼睛看我
你沒事
好渴
你說什麼?
好渴
拿東西給你喝
妳丟飛刀刺中他的頭
我慌了,射肩膀射偏了
妳怎麼瞄準的?他塊頭那麼大
那麼大隻
他醒著是好現像,好在他沒事
–妳在說什麼?他沒事? –他是沒事
他是該死的殭屍,怎麼會沒事?
他會燙傷自己
他的手會被燙到
燙傷對他就像被蚊子咬
–沒錯 –你好
–你好,是你啊 –你好
你好嗎?夭壽
–他剛... –還好
–他剛倒地小睡 –他沒死,沒事
–那叫還好? –對
等等,阿安呢?
我的乖兒子呢?
放心,我找到他了
對不起,我認錯人
被抓到
我以為是你,結果是他
–我是最爛的跟班 –閉嘴
–我閉嘴 –閉嘴
你敢碰我兒子一根寒毛
老娘發誓會把你砍成兩半,混蛋
–妳誰啊? –是我媽,媽,我愛妳
死了上天堂也愛妳
–你老媽來幹麼? –給他精神打氣
–我愛他 –媽,我愛妳
老娘會砍死你,你有膽試試看
–媽 –愛你
你們怎麼都沒槍?
–我們不是來殺人的 –是嗎?
二零六哥人呢?
他...在做早餐
你在看笑話嗎?
你在看笑話
–小聲點,哭屁啊? –我感覺到你很難過
那個人是我師父
他是我的女神,我的靠山
二零零三年有一小段時間
我搞不清楚自己的性向,他是我男友
–好像... –給我閉嘴
–不要打我 –聽我說
–道格,對不起害你失業 –很抱歉
對不起
對不起?
你們挺聰明的嘛
我本以為 你們被炸死在那間辦公室了
道格,聽我說,不要傷害他
–聽到沒?不要傷害他 –你突然會關心人?
機器人突然有心了?
關心個屁
這個人衹是你的員工
他是不是可有可無?
不是,那個人不衹是員工
–阿安卅四歲 –卅五歲
–他是左撇子 –右撇子
–怕蠍子 –我喜歡蠍子
–小六拼字比賽冠軍 –應該是第四名
《家庭派對》每句臺詞倒背如流 人物和遊戲也是
–沒錯 –眞的,我超會背
阿安是我最重要的人
不管死活我都挺你
我比較希望多活一點
–應該會死得很快 –夠了
–我會閉嘴 –道格,住手
冤有頭債有主,得罪你的人是我
趕你走的人是我
像垃圾一樣把你丟到路邊
眼睛都不眨一下的人是我,不是他
放他走,要抓就抓我
要我放他走?
–再說一次 –放他走
–老媽,妳說呢? –拜託放他走
–放他走 –放我走
–你想走嗎? –那就太好了
大家都這樣說,我應該放你走
–老媽,我放他走 –謝謝
看好了,妳有在看嗎?
–謝謝 –給我下去
–靠 –不要
夭壽,他眞的放手
–放他好好走 –道格,到此為止
小矮子,我沒意見
要老子來硬的,混蛋
你死定了
寶貝,我兒子沒死
–他沒死 –他沒死
–我沒事 –你沒事
我很好,好在有桌子擋著
有沒有看到?是在樹林沒做的動作
–向你致敬 –我扶你起來
我喜歡...
–慢慢來 –扶他到...夭壽
怎麼回事?
–沒什麼 –有小桌角...
–什麼桌角? –不要摸
–怎麼了?我要知道 –不要摸
沒什麼,衹是小碎片,還好
拿鑷子夾出來,幹麼不讓我夾出來?
–不要亂動 –住手
送他去醫院
我的腎臟好像有東西
–走路有感覺 –寶貝,快點
眞要命
什麼東西?
我安裝客製燈,你都沒空學怎麼用
凱文,我當你的替身這麼多年
–伯母,快帶他去醫院 –喬丹,跟我來
小心點,寶貝,不要亂動
凱文,不衹是重摔
被踢臉、被火燒
我還做很多事,你才有俐落身手
還記得《正義聯盟二》嗎?
你決定為角色增胖十三公斤
我也要跟著你增胖十三公斤
自私鬼,我的血糖有點高 害我差點昏迷
道格,不要激動
–對不起,是我不對 –閉嘴
媽,不行,我不能走
我不會讓你死,我不要再失去你
媽,聽好,看著我
我知道妳很想救爸
–對 –我知道
這不一樣,我不衹是凱文的助理
我是他的跟班
知道跟班的第一條規則嗎?
–不要害人? –不對,媽,那是醫生
跟班的第一條規則是沒跟班
媽,妳明知道是《鬥陣俱樂部》 布萊德彼特跟艾德華諾頓演的
那就說啊
聽我說,聽好了
以前我當跟班都很嫉妒
主角的光鮮亮麗
道格,我告訴自己等我當主角
我也想要嘗到成名的滋味,我做到了
等我成名後整個大頭癥,自私又笨
才發現我需要心腹團,你是我的心腹
我需要你,很需要
給我機會補償你
給我機會證明這就是我要的
我要你,我需要你
給你機會吸我的黑屌怎麼樣?
我現在吃香喝辣,住你的豪宅
我住這裡,你的演藝事業是我的
你的經紀人喜歡我
製片愛死我,找我演電影
–恰吉的新片 –你搶走那個角色
不要過來,再過來我剝掉你嘴皮
我還簽約要演伍迪艾倫的新片
等不及看媒體怎麼吐槽
不要睡,快醒來
發生什麼事?
你剛是想勸我
你被一大塊桌角刺到
還是想回去找那個瘋子算賬
他的體力比你好幾百倍
你不衹是跟班,你是他的死黨
沒錯,我就是
幹麼找瑞典演員弄酷刑室那麼麻煩?
偷一個人的身份有那麼容易?
偷他的臉有那麼容易?小美人,才怪
很難好不好,要先拿到他的指紋
然後還要弄到你所有的密碼
弄到密碼後,就能拿到你的語音識別
你其他的秘密我都清清楚楚
現在你是如假包換的凱文
你連痣都點掉,變態混蛋
對,誰叫我是凱文哈特
我錢多到爆,我的皮膚科醫生是權威
誰叫我是凱文哈特
桑契斯醫生絕不會摸你那身粗皮
–她超愛摸,混蛋 –靠
來啊,掌你的臭嘴
–等等 –怎樣?
超人拳
算你倒楣
–就說吧 –你這個混蛋
我跟你的賬還沒算完
沒錯
–我有你的身體 –不要做傻事
–給我機會 –現在
–道格,不要 –我要你的靈魂
不要殺我
我要殺死你,是怎樣?
你剛拿什麼東西刺我?靠
最有可能特技自己來獎,凱文哈特
–你刺我的肩胛骨 –道格要領便當了
–這招夠力 –大混蛋
阿安,等等
那是你身上那塊桌角嗎?
一輩子的跟班
不能拔出來,這樣血會流不止
就叫他不要拔,他都不聽媽的話
–我願意為你做任何事 –看著我
你是我看過最厲害的跟班
你們快報警,等警察到再走
我送你去醫院
這次我開車
我來開好了
上次你開車很可怕,還是我開比較好
–不然就... –再看看
我手腳並用,你坐我腿上好了
他還沒回過神,我扶你,看好道格
有我在
我以前沒腦筋
整個大頭癥上身
老實說,活著算我命大
–我們都是 –你剛說怎麼會帶他來?
–他是我的心腹 –好的
–你好,抱歉遲到了 –她也是
還有他們
很好,那個老太太是誰?
你說後面那個美女?那是我媽
–媽,菜好不好吃? –菜多到我眼花
–是啊 –我喜歡
她的角色還不確定
還有問題要克服 要擦亮凱文哈特的招牌
就要有心腹團,她是心腹
心腹團是什麼?
凱文,你變好多
我衹是在學著珍惜身邊重要的人
是說你要演《傑佛森一家二》?
對,要先問一下我替身
他不是在吃牢飯嗎?
對耶,整個忘記
我忘了
記性好差
獄警,放我出去
–你抓錯人了 –不要吵
我是凱文哈特